💋 BEAUTY ROOM ANTICS: BOTOX, TRASH MEN, MICKEY MOUSE & A VIBRATOR?!?!

😂 Just Another Day in My Completely Unfiltered Life!

Y’all. I swear on my last bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon that I could NOT make this stuff up if I tried!!! 😂🍷

I don’t know what it is about me, but I can go to the grocery store, the gas station, a cruise ship, a restaurant, or apparently THE BEAUTY ROOM, and somehow, someway, SOMETHING is going to happen that turns into a story that probably shouldn’t be shared with the general public.

But guess what?!

I’M SHARING IT ANYWAY!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Because what’s the point of living this crazy, beautiful, slightly unhinged life if you can’t laugh about it and drag everybody else into the foolishness with you?!

And believe me, today’s little adventure did NOT disappoint!

So, there I was, minding my own business. Well, that’s a lie. I rarely mind my own business when there’s a good conversation happening. 😂

I was in the beauty room with three of my girls, doing what us ladies do best…

TRYING TO TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME BEFORE GRAVITY TAKES EVERYTHING WE OWN!!! 💉💋😂

Listen, Peeps. I’m about to be 55.

I THINK?! 🤔

At this point, I’ve stopped counting because those numbers are starting to sound like somebody else’s business!

And since Alzheimer’s runs in my family, I might as well take advantage of forgetting how old I am!

Heck, in my head, I’m still somewhere between 21 and 35!

My body, however, has apparently applied for AARP, Medicare, Social Security, a handicapped parking permit, and an extended warranty without consulting me first!

THE AUDACITY!!! 🤣

Now, if I could pick an age to go back to, I’d choose 21.

Why 21?!

Well, let’s review.

You’re legally allowed to drink. 🍹

You’re young.

You’re cute.

You can drive.

You’re officially considered an adult.

And you’re still STUPID ENOUGH to think you know EVERYTHING!!!

What a glorious time to be alive!!! 😂

At 21, I thought I had the world figured out.

At almost 55, I’m just trying to figure out why I walked into the kitchen and what the heck I went in there to get!

SOMEBODY FIND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH AND PUT IT IN A WINE GLASS!!! 🍷

Anyway, back to the beauty room.

There we were, four grown women having conversations that probably needed their own parental advisory warning.

Meanwhile, my tongue was feeling about three sizes too big for my mouth!

Y’all remember Charlie Brown’s teacher?!

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAH!!! 📢

THAT WAS ME!!!

I’m sitting there trying to participate in adult conversation, and I sound like I’ve got a mouth full of marshmallows, peanut butter, and a pair of somebody else’s dentures!

But did that stop me from talking?!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

I have NEVER let a minor inconvenience interfere with a good conversation! 😂

🗑️ ENTER THE TRASH MAN AND THE ANGRY MICKEY MOUSE HOUSECOAT!!!

So, one of my girls starts telling us about her trash man.

Apparently, this man came rolling down the street in his big garbage truck, knocked over her trash, spilled it all over the yard, LOOKED AT THE MESS…

AND JUST KEPT ON GOING!!!

EXCUSE ME, SIR?!?! 🚛

Did your mama not teach you to pick up after yourself?!

Were you raised by raccoons?!

Do we need to send you back to kindergarten for a refresher course on cleaning up your messes?!

Well, let me tell y’all something.

This particular girlfriend is a feisty little redhead!

And when I say feisty, I mean she could’ve auditioned for Hocus Pocus and had the Sanderson sisters shaking in their pointy boots!

This woman was NOT having it!

So what does she do?!

SHE GOES RUNNING OUTSIDE AFTER THE GARBAGE TRUCK!!!

IN HER MICKEY MOUSE HOUSECOAT!!! 🐭🤣🤣🤣

Y’ALL!!!

I nearly LOST IT!!!

I’m picturing this little redheaded firecracker flying out of her house, Mickey Mouse flapping in the breeze, chasing down a full-grown garbage truck like she’s about to cast a spell on the driver!

BIBBIDI BOBBIDI BOO, YOU BETTER PICK UP THAT TRASH BEFORE I COME AFTER YOU!!! 🪄🗑️

I told her, “Girl, you should’ve put your MICKEY MOUSE EARS ON TOO!!!”

CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!

This poor man looks in his rearview mirror and sees a furious redheaded woman in a Mickey Mouse housecoat AND EARS coming after him like Disney World has declared a state of emergency!!!

He would’ve driven that garbage truck straight to another county!

I told her he was probably drunk, high, or just operating on three brain cells and a gas station biscuit because he apparently didn’t give her a second thought!

BUT HE SHOULD HAVE!!!

Because that little redhead is NOT the one to mess with!

He better be thankful she didn’t have a broomstick handy!

Next thing you know, he’d be turned into a frog sitting in a trash can somewhere!

And rightfully so!!!

PICK UP YOUR TRASH, SIR!!! YOU LITTERBUG!!!

Somebody put that man in TIME OUT!!! 😂

😳 AND THEN CAME THE VIBRATOR INCIDENT!!!

Now, just when I thought the Mickey Mouse garbage truck situation was going to be the highlight of the day…

OH, NOOOOO!!!

THE BEAUTY ROOM HAD OTHER PLANS!!!

We’re all still talking, laughing, carrying on, and solving the world’s problems like four women who have absolutely NO BUSINESS being left unsupervised together.

And remember, I’m still over here talking like Charlie Brown’s teacher!

So, one of my girls hands me this little contraption.

Apparently, it’s something you’re supposed to hold to distract your brain from whatever beauty procedure is happening.

You know, something to keep your mind occupied so you’re not concentrating on what’s coming next!

A little vibrating distraction device.

Sounds perfectly innocent, right?!

WRONG!!!

Because ANOTHER girlfriend looks over and says…

“DID YOU JUST ASK HER TO HOLD HER OWN VIBRATOR?!?!?!”

💀💀💀💀💀

Y’ALLLLLLLLLLL!!!

I AM DECEASED!!!

CALL THE CORONER!!!

NOT 911!!!

THE CORONER!!!

BECAUSE I HAVE OFFICIALLY LEFT THE BUILDING!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I mean, WHAT IN THE SAMANTHA JONES, SEX AND THE CITY, ADULT TOY CONVENTION IS GOING ON IN THIS BEAUTY ROOM?!?!?!

I CAME IN HERE TO LOOK YOUNGER!!!

NOT TO BE HANDED SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES BATTERIES AND AN EXPLANATION!!!

And there I am, holding this little gadget, with a tongue that won’t cooperate, trying to process what was just said!

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAH!!!

I couldn’t even defend myself properly!!!

And let’s just say the conversation went SOUTH faster than a snowbird heading to Florida in November!

I mean, at our age, we are all about self-care, right?!

Skincare.

Haircare.

Mental health.

Hydration.

A little Botox here.

A little wrinkle prevention there.

And apparently…

VIBRATIONAL THERAPY!!! 🤣🤣🤣

LISTEN!!!

Sometimes a woman has to take care of herself in MULTIPLE WAYS!!!

And that, my friends, is where I’m leaving THAT conversation!

Because my mama might read this, and I don’t need Janeto calling me asking what kind of beauty establishment I’m visiting these days!!!

“MOTHER, IT WAS A DISTRACTION DEVICE!!!”

“CHRISTY, WHAT WERE YOU DISTRACTING?!?!”

OH, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!! 😂

💋 THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH HAS OFFICIALLY GONE OFF THE RAILS!

So, let’s recap today’s little beautification adventure.

I went in trying to preserve what little youth I have left.

I listened to a story about a garbage man being chased by an angry redheaded woman dressed like Mickey Mouse.

I sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher.

And I somehow ended up holding a vibrating contraption that sent the entire conversation straight into an episode of Sex and the City!

At this point, all we needed was Carrie Bradshaw writing a column in the corner, Charlotte clutching her pearls, Miranda questioning everyone’s intelligence, and Samantha asking where she could purchase the device!

AND DON’T FORGET STANFORD AND ANTHONY!!!

Because those two would’ve had a FIELD DAY with this group!!!

I can just hear Samantha saying, “Honey, beauty comes from within…but a little vibration never hurt anybody!”

🤣🤣🤣

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS, DIANA ROSS, SARAH JESSICA PARKER, SAMANTHA JONES, MICKEY MOUSE, THE SANDERSON SISTERS, AND EVERY GARBAGE TRUCK DRIVER IN THE TRI-STATE AREA!!!

WHAT HAS MY LIFE BECOME?!?!?!

Actually…

Don’t answer that.

I already know.

A REALITY SHOW WITHOUT CAMERAS, A SCRIPT, OR AN ADULT SUPERVISOR!!!

And you know what?!

I wouldn’t change a thing!

Because getting older is inevitable, but acting old?!

OH, HECK NO!!!

I might be approaching 55, but I fully intend to laugh like I’m 21, live like I’m 30, and continue embarrassing myself well into my 90s!

And if laughter really is the best medicine, then after today’s beauty room visit, I should look approximately 19 YEARS OLD!!!

Who needs the fountain of youth when you’ve got three girlfriends, a Mickey Mouse housecoat story, and a suspicious vibrating gadget?!

THE WRINKLES MIGHT KEEP COMING, BUT SO WILL THE STORIES!!! 😂💋

And if you ever see me running down the street in a Mickey Mouse housecoat chasing a garbage truck…

JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!!

OR BETTER YET…

GET YOUR PHONE OUT!!!

Because y’all KNOW I BELIEVE IN PICTURE RECEIPTS AND VIDEO RECEIPTS!!!

📸🤣

Until the next adventure, Peeps…

Stay fabulous, stay feisty, keep laughing, and for Heaven’s sake…

DON’T PICK UP ANYTHING THAT VIBRATES UNTIL YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT’S FOR!!!

😂💋🍷

XOXO,

Christy, Unfiltered 💋

Almost 55, mentally 21, physically questionable, and apparently one beauty appointment away from having my own HBO comedy special!

#BeautyRoomAntics #ChristyUnfiltered #Almost55AndFabulous #FountainOfYouth #MickeyMouseMayhem #GirlsJustWannaHaveFun #SexAndTheCity #AgingDisgracefully #LaughUntilYouCry #YouCantMakeThisStuffUp #HeavensToBetsyRoss