🧳✈️🍔 THE FREEDOM OF THE SEAS FINALE: DRACULA, JANETO, THREE-WHEELED LUGGAGE & THE HAUNTED MILO’S PARKING LOT! 🤣😂🚔

The Alabama & Georgia Traveling Circus Returns Home — Missing Two Wheels, Nearly Losing Our Lunch, and Apparently Needing a Driver’s Education Class!

WELLLLLLL, PEEPS!!!! 😂🤣🤣

HALLELUJAH! PRAISE BABY JESUS, BUDDHA, THE UNIVERSE, THE TRAVEL GODS, THE LUGGAGE FAIRIES, THE LEPRECHAUNS, AND EVERY SAINT IN HEAVEN WHO HAS EVER BOARDED AN AIRPLANE!!!!

WE MADE IT BACK TO ALABAMA!!!!

And would you believe we actually had GREAT flights home from Miami to Birmingham?!

YESSSSS!!!!

NO EMERGENCIES!

NO POLICIA!

NO IMMIGRATION HOLDING CELLS!

NO MISSING PASSENGERS!

AND NOBODY HAD TO BE ESCORTED ANYWHERE BY SECURITY!!!

IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, AND IT’S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS YET!!! 🎄🤣

And for those of you following the previous episode of “JANETO VS. DRACULA: THE HALLOWEEN AIRPORT SHOWDOWN,” I’m pleased to announce that BOTH parties remained in their respective places on the airplane!

🧛‍♂️ Dracula, our Halloween flight attendant, did NOT bite Janeto!

👮‍♀️ Janeto did NOT attempt to boss Dracula around, take over his flight attendant duties, inspect the emergency exits, or appoint herself HEAD OF AIRLINE RULE ENFORCEMENT!

THANK BABY JESUS!!!

Because, quite frankly, I wasn’t emotionally prepared for Janeto to get into an argument with a vampire at 35,000 feet!

Can you imagine?!

DRACULA: “Ma’am, please remain seated.”

JANETO: “Well, I just need to tell you something about these rules!”

DRACULA: “Ma’am, I AM the flight attendant.”

JANETO: “Well, I have some suggestions!”

🧛‍♂️🦇🤣🤣🤣

Heavens to Betsy Ross, Charlie Brown, Sarah Jessica Parker, and the entire cast of The Munsters!!!

I was just happy nobody was going to have to land the plane early because my mother was trying to reorganize the airline’s operating procedures! 😂

And while we were on the plane, I started looking back through ALL our vacation pictures!

OH. MY. GOODNESS!!!!

PEEPS!!!!

I started remembering MORE STORIES!!!!

MORE CRAZINESS!!!!

MORE THINGS THAT HAPPENED THAT I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD Y’ALL ABOUT YET!!!!

Every picture was like opening another chapter of a book that probably should be titled:

“THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON THE CRUISE SHIP BUT CHRISTY HAS PICTURE AND VIDEO RECEIPTS!” 📸🤣

I’d scroll through a picture and think, “OH, LORD! I FORGOT ABOUT THAT!”

Then another picture!

“HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS! I HAVEN’T TOLD THAT STORY YET EITHER!”

I swear, I have enough material from this cruise to write an entire BOOK!

And you KNOW I have the GOOGLE RECEIPTS, PICTURE RECEIPTS, AND VIDEO RECEIPTS TO BACK IT ALL UP!

So don’t y’all think these cruise stories are finished just because we made it back to Alabama!

STAY TUNED, PEEPS! THERE’S MORE COMING! 😂🤣

ANYWHOOOOOO!!!

We landed in Birmingham, retrieved ALL our luggage, and waited for the gentleman who was coming to pick us up and take us to our vehicle.

But before we get to the GRAND FINALE of this traveling circus, I need to tell y’all about Jessica and Dustin’s NEW MATCHING LUGGAGE.

Because apparently, these two didn’t just get married for better or worse.

They got married for BETTER OR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, AND IN FOUR WHEELS OR THREE!!! 🤣🤣🤣

🧳 THE CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARING SUITCASE WHEELS!

When we FIRST boarded the Freedom of the Seas, Dustin discovered that one of the wheels on his BRAND-NEW suitcase had mysteriously DISAPPEARED!

GONE!

VANISHED!

ABDUCTED BY THE LUGGAGE ALIENS!

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IS A LONELY SUITCASE WHEEL LIVING ITS BEST LIFE WITHOUT DUSTIN!!! 🛸🧳

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but when I purchase luggage with FOUR wheels, I expect to receive FOUR wheels when I arrive at my destination!

I don’t recall seeing a disclaimer on the luggage tag saying:

“Congratulations on your purchase! Your suitcase comes equipped with four wheels, but we reserve the right to remove one at any time during your vacation!”

WHAT IN THE SAMSONITE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?! 😂

Well, Dustin wasn’t exactly thrilled.

They gave him a $50 credit for the damage.

FIFTY DOLLARS!

Now, that’s lovely and all, but WHAT GOOD IS FIFTY DOLLARS WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO DRAG A THREE-WHEELED SUITCASE THROUGH THE PORT OF MIAMI LIKE YOU’RE PULLING A BROKEN SHOPPING CART THROUGH WALMART?!

🤣🤣🤣

And let me tell y’all something about Dustin.

Dustin is MR. FIX-IT!

This man can probably fix a lawn mower with a paper clip, a piece of chewing gum, and a prayer!

So IMMEDIATELY, he’s discussing his repair options.

SUPER GLUE!

DUCT TAPE!

SOME KIND OF HOMEMADE WHEEL REPLACEMENT!

I was waiting for him to announce he was going to remove a wheel off one of the housekeeping carts and perform emergency suitcase surgery right there on the ship!

“Don’t worry, Jessica! I’ve got some duct tape and a plan!”

OH, LORD!!!

Somebody hide the tools before he turns that suitcase into a homemade go-kart! 🏎️🤣

BUT WAIT!!!!

IT GETS BETTER!!!!

Fast-forward to the end of our cruise.

Everybody is getting off the ship, gathering luggage, and preparing to return to civilization.

Well, ALMOST everybody.

Because where am I?!

OH, I’M JUST HANGING OUT IN THE MIAMI IMMIGRATION DETENTION ROOM WITH THREE MEN WHO ARE CRYING AND ASKING THE POLICIA IF THEY’RE GOING TO JAIL!!!

🚨👮‍♂️🤣

You know, just your normal Saturday morning after a fabulous Caribbean cruise!

Everybody else is collecting luggage, and I’m apparently auditioning for an episode of Locked Up Abroad: Alabama Edition!

And for the record, I wasn’t bringing anything illegal into the country!

Just a Louis Vuitton, several bottles of perfume, and enough vacation stories to write a bestselling book!

ANYWHOOOOOO!!!

While I’m having my little unexpected meet-and-greet with immigration officers, Jessica and Dustin are collecting their luggage.

AND GUESS WHAT?!

JESSICA’S SUITCASE IS NOW MISSING THE EXACT SAME WHEEL AS DUSTIN’S!!!!

I CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

NOT ONLY THAT!!!

BOTH SUITCASES HAVE A DENT IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE!!!

WHAT IN THE MATCHING MARITAL LUGGAGE DISASTER IS THIS?!

They started this vacation with matching luggage, and BY GOLLY, THEY WERE GOING TO END THIS VACATION WITH MATCHING LUGGAGE!

EVEN IF BOTH SUITCASES HAD TO BE PHYSICALLY DISABLED TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

THAT’S TRUE LOVE, PEEPS!!! ❤️🧳

Forget matching wedding rings!

Forget matching pajamas!

Forget matching his-and-hers bathrobes!

THESE TWO HAVE MATCHING THREE-WHEELED SUITCASES WITH IDENTICAL DENTS!!!

That’s a marriage built on SOLID FOUNDATIONS!

Well, three out of four foundations, anyway! 🤣

And now both suitcases LEAN!

They lean to the left!

They lean to the right!

They wobble!

They tilt!

They look like they’ve had six pineapple mimosas and a couple of Painkillers from the casino bar!

🍹🤣

THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA HAS NOTHING ON THESE TWO SUITCASES!!!

And let me clarify something.

That’s PISA.

NOT PIZZA! 🍕🤣

Although, speaking of pizza, I STILL cannot stop thinking about Sorrento’s Pizza on the Freedom of the Seas!

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!!

We ate that pizza EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT!

That delicious, thin, crispy pizza!

I swear, I think I ate enough pizza on that ship to qualify as a shareholder in Sorrento’s!

If Royal Caribbean ever runs out of pizza dough, they can probably trace the shortage directly to our family!

But I DIGRESS!!!

BACK TO THE THREE-WHEELED CIRCUS!!!

Have y’all ever tried rolling a suitcase that’s supposed to have FOUR wheels but only has THREE?!

It’s like trying to push a grocery cart with a busted wheel!

You push it forward, and it wants to go LEFT!

You pull it backward, and it wants to go RIGHT!

You try to turn a corner, and the whole thing looks like it’s about to perform a cartwheel!

Then you STOP and try to stand it upright!

OH, GOOD LORD!!!

Now you’re playing a game of JENGA WITH YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS!

You stand it up.

It leans.

You straighten it.

It leans the OTHER way.

You let go.

TIMBERRRRRR!!!! 🌲💥

THERE GOES THE SUITCASE!!!

I’m telling y’all, by the time Dustin gets finished fixing those suitcases, Jessica won’t have to ROLL hers through the airport anymore.

SHE’LL BE ABLE TO DRIVE IT TO THE GATE!!!

BEEP! BEEP!

MOVE OVER, PEOPLE! THE ALABAMA EXPRESS IS COMING THROUGH! 🚗🧳

🍔🚨 CHAPTER TWO: JANETO IS HUNGRY AND THE MILO’S DRIVE-THRU IS ABOUT TO BECOME A CRIME SCENE!

Now, PEEPS, we are FINALLY outside the Birmingham airport, waiting for our ride.

We’re tired.

We’re loaded down with luggage.

We’ve survived ten days at sea, international travel, the Miami immigration policia, Dracula, and two suitcases that need orthopedic surgery.

And then…

OUT OF NOWHERE…

JANETO MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

“I’M HUNGRY!”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

WELLLLLL, OF COURSE YOU ARE, JANETO!!!!

WE’VE ONLY EATEN APPROXIMATELY 575,228,943 MEALS IN THE LAST TEN DAYS!!!!

I mean, HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!!

On that ship, we ate EVERY FIVE MINUTES!

Breakfast!

Second breakfast!

Lunch!

A little snack!

Pizza!

Afternoon snack!

Dinner!

Dessert!

More pizza!

A little something before bed!

And then you wake up the next morning and DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!

I swear, I think my stomach developed its own cruise itinerary!

7:00 AM — BREAKFAST!

8:30 AM — PINEAPPLE MIMOSA!

10:00 AM — FIND SOMETHING TO EAT!

12:00 PM — LUNCH!

2:00 PM — SORRENTO’S PIZZA!

5:30 PM — DINNER!

9:00 PM — PIZZA AGAIN!

11:00 PM — JUST ONE MORE LITTLE SNACK!

And now we’re back in Alabama, where apparently people expect you to GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, BUY FOOD, COOK IT YOURSELF, AND THEN WASH YOUR OWN DISHES!!!

WHAT KIND OF BARBARIC SOCIETY HAVE WE RETURNED TO?!

🤣🤣🤣

Our stomachs are going to be FURIOUS!

We’re going to wake up tomorrow looking for Irene, our wonderful waitress, and Robby, our bar guy!

“IRENE!!! WHERE’S MY BREAKFAST?!”

“ROBBY!!! I NEED A PINEAPPLE MIMOSA!”

And then reality is going to slap us right across the face!

Because Irene and Robby are already serving another group of vacationers!

Bless their hearts!

I wonder if they’ve recovered from US yet?!

I’m sure they’re over there thinking, “Thank goodness those crazy people from Alabama and Georgia finally got off this ship!”

But then again, maybe they’re missing us!

BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER GROUP LIKE THE TURNER CREW!!!

And that’s probably a GOOD THING for the entire cruise industry! 🤣🤣🤣

ANYWHOOOOOO!!!

Janeto is hungry.

And what does Janeto want?!

MILO’S!!!!

OF COURSE SHE WANTS MILO’S!!!!

She ALWAYS wants Milo’s!

🙄🍔

I swear, if we landed on the MOON, Janeto would look around and ask if there was a Milo’s nearby!

“Well, Mike, can you find us a Milo’s before we go look at the moon rocks?”

YES, JANETO! WE’LL JUST ASK NASA TO INSTALL A DRIVE-THRU!

🤣🤣🤣

So, we finally get picked up, get to our vehicle, and head to Milo’s.

AND THIS IS WHERE THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE TURNER FAMILY CIRCUS BEGINS!

Now, let me explain the seating arrangements.

Dad and Janeto are in the FRONT.

Jessica, Dustin, and I are in the BACK.

And Janeto is doing what Janeto does BEST.

BOSSING EVERYBODY!!!!

She’s telling Dad how to drive!

How to turn!

How to pull up!

How to park!

How close to get to the drive-thru window!

When to stop!

When to go!

When to breathe!

WHEN TO BLINK!!!

🤣🤣🤣

Poor Daddy!

He can’t even get a WORD IN!

He’s driving, and Janeto is conducting a full-blown driver’s education seminar from the passenger seat!

“MIKE! PULL UP!”

“MIKE! NOT THAT FAR!”

“MIKE! WATCH THAT!”

“MIKE! YOU NEED TO TURN!”

“MIKE! PARK OVER THERE!”

I’M LIKE, GOOD LORD, JANETO!!!

THE MAN HAS BEEN DRIVING FOR DECADES! I THINK HE KNOWS HOW TO OPERATE A VEHICLE!!!

She’s like a human GPS that doesn’t have an OFF button!

And the worst part?!

YOU CAN’T MUTE HER!!!

🤣🤣🤣

Even Siri would throw her hands up and say, “I’m sorry. I cannot compete with this woman!”

Meanwhile, the three of us in the back are just trying to survive the drive-thru experience without Janeto issuing Dad a citation!

And NOBODY wants to go inside Milo’s!

Although, looking back, WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE!

Because what happened NEXT makes the drive-thru look like a peaceful Sunday afternoon at church!

🚔🎃 CHAPTER THREE: DUSTIN, THE DUKES OF HAZZARD & MY FLYING CHEESE TOAST!

So, we FINALLY make it through the drive-thru!

THANK ALL THE DRIVE-THRU GODS!!!!

HALLELUJAH!

WE HAVE FOOD!

WE HAVE DRINKS!

WE HAVE SURVIVED JANETO’S DRIVE-THRU COMMAND CENTER!

Now, Dustin announces that HE is going to drive.

Okay!

Sounds like a WONDERFUL idea!

After all, Dustin is a POLICE OFFICER!

A trained law enforcement professional!

A man who has probably driven police vehicles in all kinds of situations!

AND he tells us he can drive a BUS!

A BUS, PEEPS!!!!

Well, EXCUUUUUUSE ME, MR. PROFESSIONAL DRIVER!!!

🤣🤣🤣

So Dad gets in the back with Jessica and me, and Dustin gets behind the wheel.

Janeto remains in her COMMAND POST in the front passenger seat!

Because apparently, her shift as the Department of Transportation Supervisor NEVER ENDS!

Now, let me paint this picture for y’all.

I have a BACKPACK!

A BIG PURSE!

AND MY MILO’S FOOD ALL IN MY LAP!

And what am I eating?!

A CHEESE TOAST!!!! 🧀🍞

YES, PEEPS!

A CHEESE TOAST!

Not a hamburger!

Not a chicken sandwich!

A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED CHEESE TOAST!

And I’m just sitting back there trying to enjoy my little toasted cheese masterpiece in PEACE!

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

Apparently, YES!!!!

Because little did I know, I was about to participate in the MILO’S CHEESE TOAST RODEO!

🤣🤣🤣

Jessica and Dad are back there with me.

Everybody has food!

Everybody is hungry!

Everybody is just trying to EAT!

We have barely recovered from our international traveling circus!

And all we want to do is get out of the Milo’s parking lot and GO HOME!

Simple, right?!

WRONG!!!!

BECAUSE APPARENTLY DUSTIN HAS DECIDED TO AUDITION FOR THE NEXT FAST & FURIOUS MOVIE!!!

🚔🏎️🤣🤣🤣

We start moving.

And then…

WE TURN.

AND TURN AGAIN.

AND TURN AGAIN!

AND THEN WE TURN SOME MORE!!!

WHAT IN THE NAME OF DALE EARNHARDT IS GOING ON HERE?!

DUSTIN IS DOING FIGURE EIGHTS IN THE MILO’S PARKING LOT!!!!

NOT ONE!

NOT TWO!

OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!!!

PEEPS, I SWEAR WE WERE PRACTICALLY ON TWO WHEELS!!!

I’M IN THE BACK WITH MY BACKPACK, MY PURSE, AND MY CHEESE TOAST TRYING TO KEEP EVERYTHING FROM FLYING INTO THE FRONT SEAT!

My cheese toast is going one direction!

My purse is going ANOTHER!

My backpack is practically trying to escape through the window!

I’M HOLDING ON TO THAT CHEESE TOAST LIKE IT’S A NEWBORN BABY!!!

SOMEBODY SAVE THE CHEESE TOAST!!!! 🧀🚨

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I mean, have y’all ever tried eating a cheese toast while somebody is doing FIGURE EIGHTS?!

THAT CHEESE WAS ABOUT TO SEPARATE FROM THE BREAD AND FILE FOR DIVORCE!!!

THE BREAD WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE!

THE CHEESE WAS HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE!

AND I WAS IN THE BACK SEAT TRYING TO KEEP MY ENTIRE DINNER FROM BECOMING A FLYING SAUCER!

🛸🧀🤣🤣🤣

And we’re ALL in the back LAUGHING SO HARD WE CAN BARELY BREATHE!!!

“STOPPPPP!!!!”

“DUSTIN!!!!”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“WHERE ARE WE GOING?!”

“WHY ARE WE STILL TURNING?!”

“DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF A PARKING LOT?!”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I felt like I was BACK IN ARUBA in that tour van where we were packed in like sardines and our driver was taking us around the island like he was auditioning for NASCAR!

EXCEPT THIS TIME WE WERE IN A MILO’S PARKING LOT IN BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA!!!!

HOW DO YOU GET LOST IN A PARKING LOT?!

WE CAN SEE THE ROAD!!!!

IT’S RIGHT THERE!!!!

JUST DRIVE TOWARD IT!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

And then it hits me.

WE’RE IN AN EPISODE OF THE DUKES OF HAZZARD!!!!

Dustin is ROSCO P. COLTRANE!

Janeto is BOSS HOGG!

And the rest of us are in the back like a bunch of escaped circus animals trying to hold on to our food!

ALL WE NEEDED WAS THE GENERAL LEE HORN BLARING!

🎶 DIXIE!!!! 🎶

YEEEEEEHAWWWWW!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

And JANETO?!

OH, JANETO IS UP FRONT HAVING A FULL-BLOWN MILO’S FOOD EMERGENCY!

“MY FOOD IS GOING UP MY NOSE!!!!”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

PEEPS!!!!

I LOST IT!!!!

I AM CRYING LAUGHING!!!!

HOW IN THE WORLD DOES YOUR MILO’S FOOD END UP IN YOUR NOSE?!

ARE WE EATING OR ARE WE BEING LAUNCHED INTO ORBIT?!

IS THIS A DRIVE HOME OR A NASA GRAVITY EXPERIMENT?!

I’M EXPECTING THE NEXT TURN TO SEND MY CHEESE TOAST THROUGH THE SUNROOF!

AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE A SUNROOF!!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Meanwhile, Dustin is STILL TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE PARKING LOT!

I finally holler:

“DUSTIN!!!! ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?!”

Because at this point, I’m beginning to QUESTION HIS CREDENTIALS!

I mean, this man is a POLICE OFFICER!

HE SAID HE COULD DRIVE A BUS!

BUT HE CAN’T GET US OUT OF MILO’S PARKING LOT?!

🤣🤣🤣

I said, “DUSTIN, YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A NERVOUS 15- OR 16-YEAR-OLD TRYING TO GET YOUR DRIVER’S LICENSE FOR THE FIRST TIME!”

I’m surprised he didn’t start practicing his THREE-POINT TURNS!

OR PARALLEL PARKING!

OR ASK US TO GRADE HIS PERFORMANCE!

SIR!!!!

THIS IS NOT THE DMV!!!

THIS IS MILO’S!!!!

WE JUST WANT TO EAT OUR FOOD AND GO HOME!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

And the more we laughed, the FUNNIER IT GOT!

You know that kind of laughing where somebody starts laughing, then somebody else starts laughing because THEY’RE laughing, and then everybody is laughing so hard nobody can explain what they’re laughing about anymore?!

THAT WAS US!!!!

I’m crying!

Jessica’s laughing!

Dad’s probably wondering how he raised this traveling circus!

Janeto is trying to keep her Milo’s out of her nasal passages!

And Dustin is STILL CIRCLING THE PARKING LOT!

I swear, if we’d made one more figure eight, I was going to start charging admission!

WELCOME TO DUSTIN’S HALLOWEEN PARKING LOT EXPERIENCE!

🎃👻🚗

Adults: $20!

Children: $10!

Police officers: FREE, BUT YOU HAVE TO PASS A DRIVING TEST FIRST!

CHEESE TOAST: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURIES SUSTAINED DURING THE RIDE!

🤣🤣🤣

👻 THE HAUNTED MILO’S PARKING LOT OF HALLOWEEN NIGHT!

And THEN I realized something.

PEEPS!!!!

IT WAS HALLOWEEN NIGHT!!!!

🎃👻🦇

OF COURSE THIS WAS HAPPENING!!!!

WE HAD ALREADY ENCOUNTERED DRACULA ON THE AIRPLANE!

NOW WE WERE TRAPPED IN A HAUNTED MILO’S PARKING LOT!

THE PARKING LOT DIDN’T WANT US TO LEAVE!!!!

I SWEAR IT WAS TRYING TO SEND US INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION!

A PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE YOU DRIVE AROUND MILO’S FOR ALL ETERNITY!

NO EXIT!

NO ESCAPE!

JUST ENDLESS FIGURE EIGHTS AND CHEESE TOAST FLYING THROUGH THE AIR!

🤣🤣🤣

I could just imagine us disappearing into some supernatural parking lot vortex!

And 50 years from now, somebody would be telling the legend…

“They say on Halloween night, if you pull into Milo’s after dark, you can still hear a woman screaming, ‘DUSTIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ while another woman yells, ‘MY FOOD IS GOING UP MY NOSE!’”

And if you listen REALLY CLOSELY…

You can hear a third woman screaming…

“SOMEBODY SAVE MY CHEESE TOAST!!!!”

👻🧀🤣🤣🤣

And somewhere in the distance…

You hear JANETO telling somebody how to PARK!

Because even in the AFTERLIFE, SHE’S STILL GOING TO BE BOSSING EVERYBODY!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

I swear, Dustin must have been traumatized by all those island tours we took!

First Aruba!

Then Curaçao!

Then the Miami transportation circus!

By the time we got to Birmingham, he apparently thought every parking lot was a Caribbean sightseeing excursion!

“AND IF YOU LOOK TO YOUR LEFT, YOU’LL SEE MILO’S!”

“AND IF YOU LOOK TO YOUR RIGHT, YOU’LL SEE MILO’S AGAIN!”

“AND COMING UP ON YOUR LEFT, YOU’LL SEE…”

MILO’S!!!!

BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T LEFT THE DANG PARKING LOT!!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’M TELLING Y’ALL!!!!

DUSTIN MAY NEED TO GO BACK TO DRIVING SCHOOL!

POLICE DRIVING 101: HOW TO ESCAPE A FAST-FOOD PARKING LOT WITHOUT PERFORMING A STUNT SHOW!

Lesson One: IDENTIFY THE EXIT!

Lesson Two: DRIVE TOWARD THE EXIT!

Lesson Three: DO NOT PERFORM FIGURE EIGHTS WITH FIVE PEOPLE HOLDING FOOD!

Lesson Four: IF JANETO STARTS DIRECTING TRAFFIC, DO NOT PANIC!

Lesson Five: IF YOUR PASSENGERS START SCREAMING, IT MAY BE TIME TO STOP TURNING!

Lesson Six: PROTECT THE CHEESE TOAST AT ALL COSTS!

🤣🤣🤣

I wonder what Dustin’s boss would say if he saw us riding around that parking lot?!

“OFFICER DUSTIN, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DRIVING!”

“YES, SIR!”

“WE’VE HAD REPORTS OF A VEHICLE CIRCLING MILO’S REPEATEDLY ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT!”

“YES, SIR!”

“APPARENTLY THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THE BACK SCREAMING, LAUGHING, AND HOLDING ON TO CHEESE TOAST!”

“YES, SIR!”

“AND ONE WOMAN CLAIMED HER FOOD WAS GOING UP HER NOSE!”

“THAT WOULD BE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW, SIR!”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I AM DONE!!!!

SOMEBODY GET ME A PINEAPPLE MIMOSA!!!!

🏁 THE GREAT ESCAPE FROM MILO’S!

Well, after what felt like 47 laps around the parking lot, 16 figure eights, three near-death experiences involving flying food, and one possible supernatural encounter…

WE FINALLY FOUND THE EXIT!!!!

HALLELUJAH!!!!

PRAISE BABY JESUS!!!!

THANK THE DRIVING GODS, THE PARKING LOT GODS, THE MILO’S EMPLOYEES, AND EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER SUCCESSFULLY PASSED A DRIVER’S LICENSE TEST!!!!

WE WERE FREE!!!!

FREE AT LAST!!!!

FREE FROM THE HAUNTED MILO’S PARKING LOT!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

I swear, I almost wanted to kiss the pavement when we finally made it onto the road!

But I couldn’t!

I had a backpack, a purse, and my CHEESE TOAST in my lap!

And I wasn’t about to lose my MILO’S after everything we’d been through!

We FINALLY made it home ALIVE!

And I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I think Dustin needs to stick to fixing luggage!

ALTHOUGH…

Considering he’s missing TWO WHEELS AND CAN’T GET OUT OF A PARKING LOT…

MAYBE WE NEED TO REEVALUATE HIS ENTIRE TRANSPORTATION DEPARTMENT!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

🏡📦 AND THEN WE GOT HOME… AND THE UNIVERSE DELIVERED THE PERFECT PUNCHLINE!

Now, PEEPS…

I SWEAR TO YOU, I CANNOT MAKE THIS NEXT PART UP!!!!

After EVERYTHING we’d been through…

The cruise!

The policia!

The missing suitcase wheels!

The diamond ring heist!

The Dracula encounter!

The haunted Milo’s parking lot!

THE FLYING CHEESE TOAST!

We FINALLY get home.

And what is waiting on the FRONT PORCH?!

A PACKAGE!!!!

📦

Now, MONTHS AGO, I ordered myself a sweatshirt.

Just a cute little sweatshirt with a saying on it that I absolutely LOVED!

And would you believe that sweatshirt arrived WHILE WE WERE GONE?!

Now, let me tell y’all what it says.

ARE YOU READY?!

“BAD MISTAKES MAKE GREAT MEMORIES.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I ABOUT FELL OUT!!!!

PEEPS!!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!

WHAT IN THE COSMIC COMEDY CLUB IS GOING ON HERE?!

OF ALL THE SWEATSHIRTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

OF ALL THE PACKAGES THAT COULD HAVE ARRIVED!!!!

OF ALL THE TIMES IT COULD HAVE BEEN DELIVERED!!!!

THIS SWEATSHIRT SHOWS UP WHILE WE’RE ON THE MOST RIDICULOUS, HYSTERICAL, UNPREDICTABLE VACATION EVER?!

BAD MISTAKES MAKE GREAT MEMORIES!!!!

WELLLLLL, HONEY!!!!

WE JUST MADE ENOUGH GREAT MEMORIES TO LAST THREE LIFETIMES!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

I swear, the universe must have been watching our vacation like a reality television show!

And somewhere up there, the travel gods were sitting around saying…

“OH, THIS IS GETTING GOOD!”

“WAIT UNTIL THEY GET TO MIAMI!”

“OH, LOOK! SHE’S IN IMMIGRATION!”

“NOW THE LUGGAGE WHEELS ARE MISSING!”

“WAIT! WAIT! THEY’RE GOING TO MILO’S!”

“OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE HILARIOUS!”

“QUICK! DELIVER THE SWEATSHIRT!”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I mean, SERIOUSLY!!!!

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

I ordered that sweatshirt MONTHS AGO!

Before all these crazy things happened!

Before the luggage lost its wheels!

Before Janeto met Dracula!

Before I became an honorary guest of Miami immigration!

Before Dustin decided to turn Milo’s parking lot into the Talladega Superspeedway!

AND THERE IT WAS!

WAITING ON THE FRONT PORCH LIKE THE UNIVERSE HAD JUST HANDED ME THE OFFICIAL TITLE OF OUR VACATION!!!!

I don’t think I’ve EVER owned a piece of clothing that described my life more perfectly!

Forget designer labels!

Forget Gucci!

Forget Louis Vuitton!

THIS SWEATSHIRT IS NOW MY OFFICIAL TRAVEL UNIFORM!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

And let me clarify something.

I’m not saying we should go around making bad decisions!

I’m just saying that SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, the craziest things that happen to us turn into the funniest stories!

And sometimes, the things that go WRONG become the memories that make us laugh the HARDEST!

Because I guarantee you, years from now, we’re not going to remember every single meal we ate on that ship.

Well, except Sorrento’s pizza!

I’M NEVER FORGETTING THAT PIZZA!

🍕🤣

But we WILL remember the missing wheels!

The diamond ring!

The policia!

The endless laughter!

And JANETO GETTING HER MILO’S UP HER NOSE!!!!

AND I WILL NEVER FORGET TRYING TO SAVE MY CHEESE TOAST WHILE DUSTIN WAS DOING FIGURE EIGHTS!

🤣🤣🤣

BAD MISTAKES MAKE GREAT MEMORIES!

Apparently, that’s not just a sweatshirt.

THAT’S OUR FAMILY MOTTO!!!!

😂 THE FINAL REPORT FROM THE ALABAMA & GEORGIA TRAVELING CIRCUS!

PEEPS, I swear, you cannot take this family ANYWHERE without something happening!

Let’s review the evidence!

We survived a ten-day cruise aboard the Freedom of the Seas!

We survived Aruba and the island tour that doubled as a family genealogy expedition!

We survived Curaçao, where Jessica and Dustin’s taxi adventure ended with a ride back to the ship courtesy of the policia!

We survived Mom’s diamond ring disappearing in the jewelry store and the suspicious lady who suddenly remembered she had FOUND it!

We survived Denise’s endless questions about cubic zirconia!

We survived Terry’s Dr. Evil faces and the uncontrollable laughing fits!

We survived me getting LOST in the Windjammer with a pineapple mimosa!

We survived my unexpected immigration holding-room experience in Miami!

We survived Janeto trying to sneak past Dracula on Halloween!

We survived TWO missing suitcase wheels!

AND THEN…

JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT WE WERE SAFE…

WE NEARLY LOST OUR MINDS AND OUR MILO’S IN A PARKING LOT FIVE MINUTES FROM FREEDOM!!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

And the funniest part?!

THIS IS JUST A NORMAL VACATION WITH OUR FAMILY!!!!

I don’t think Royal Caribbean realizes how lucky they are that we finally got off that ship!

Although, I’m sure Irene and Robby are already telling the NEW passengers stories about the crazy Alabama and Georgia crew!

And somewhere on the Freedom of the Seas, somebody is probably asking:

“Where’s that woman who was always taking pictures and videos of EVERYTHING?!”

OH, HONEY!

SHE’S BACK IN ALABAMA!

SHE’S BEEN DETAINED BY IMMIGRATION, ESCORTED THROUGH AIRPORTS, SURVIVED DRACULA, AND NEARLY BEEN FLUNG INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION IN A MILO’S PARKING LOT!

AND SHE’S STILL TAKING NOTES FOR HER BLOG!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

🦃🏖️ BUT WAIT, PEEPS! THE ALABAMA & GEORGIA CREW ISN’T FINISHED YET!

Now, I know some of y’all are probably thinking…

“THANK GOODNESS THEY’RE FINALLY HOME! MAYBE THINGS WILL SETTLE DOWN!”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

OH, YOU SWEET, INNOCENT PEOPLE!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS GROUP IS FINISHED?!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!

Because guess what’s coming up NEXT?!

THANKSGIVING IN FLORIDA!!!! 🦃🏖️🍷

YESSSSS!!!!

THE ALABAMA & GEORGIA CREW IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER FOR ANOTHER ADVENTURE!!!!

AND I CAN ALREADY TELL YOU…

IT’S GOING TO BE A BLAST!!!!

Or possibly a COMPLETE DISASTER!

BUT EITHER WAY, IT’S GOING TO BE HILARIOUS!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

And let me tell y’all something.

We ALWAYS have stories from our Florida Thanksgiving trips!

ALWAYS!!!!

There’s just something about putting this group together, adding a beach, some sunshine, food, wine, and a few questionable decisions that creates PURE COMEDY GOLD!

I don’t know what it is!

Maybe it’s the salt air!

Maybe it’s the Florida sunshine!

Maybe it’s the spirits!

OR MAYBE WE’RE ALL JUST A LITTLE UNHINGED!

I’m leaning toward the LAST ONE!

🤣🤣🤣

I can already picture it.

Janeto will be organizing everybody!

Dad will be trying to relax!

Jessica and Dustin will be doing something that turns into another story!

Somebody will say something completely inappropriate!

Somebody else will start laughing!

And before you know it, we’ll all be laughing so hard we can’t breathe!

And ME?!

OH, I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!

CAMERA IN HAND!

VIDEO RECEIPTS READY!

PINEAPPLE MIMOSA OR A GLASS OF RED WINE NEARBY!

AND MY NEW “BAD MISTAKES MAKE GREAT MEMORIES” SWEATSHIRT PACKED IN MY BAG!

🤣🤣🤣

I just have ONE REQUEST for Thanksgiving.

DUSTIN, PLEASE DON’T DRIVE US AROUND ANY PARKING LOT IN FIGURE EIGHTS!!!!

And JANETO…

PLEASE DON’T TRY TO BOSS THE FLORIDA POLICIA!

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH INTERNATIONAL AND DOMESTIC LAW ENFORCEMENT ENCOUNTERS FOR ONE YEAR!

🤣🤣🤣

And if we stop at Milo’s on the way…

I’M EATING MY CHEESE TOAST BEFORE WE LEAVE THE PARKING LOT!

THAT’S NONNEGOTIABLE!!!!

❤️ THE MORAL OF THIS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS STORY!

Life is a lot like our vacation.

Sometimes you’re cruising through beautiful Caribbean waters with a pineapple mimosa in your hand and not a care in the world!

Sometimes you’re standing in an immigration holding room wondering how in the world you ended up there!

Sometimes you lose a wheel and start leaning sideways!

And sometimes you’re trapped in a Milo’s parking lot on Halloween night with a police officer driving figure eights while your mother screams that her food is going up her nose!

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?!

YOU JUST KEEP ROLLING, KEEP LAUGHING, AND KEEP MAKING MEMORIES!

Even if you’re rolling on THREE WHEELS!

Even if you’re driving in CIRCLES!

Even if you’re holding on to a cheese toast for dear life!

And even if Janeto is in the front seat telling everybody what to do!

Because one day, these crazy, ridiculous, absolutely hysterical moments will be the stories we treasure the most!

And when I saw that sweatshirt sitting on my front porch, it reminded me of something I’ve believed for a LONG TIME.

Life isn’t about everything going perfectly.

It’s about LIVING!

LAUGHING!

TRAVELING!

TAKING CHANCES!

MAKING MEMORIES!

AND ENJOYING EVERY SINGLE CRAZY MOMENT WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!

Because when it’s all said and done, nobody is going to sit around telling stories about the vacation where absolutely NOTHING happened!

NOOOOO!!!!

We’re going to be sitting around YEARS from now saying…

“REMEMBER WHEN DUSTIN COULDN’T GET OUT OF MILO’S PARKING LOT?!”

“REMEMBER WHEN JANETO ALMOST GOT INTO IT WITH DRACULA?!”

“REMEMBER WHEN CHRISTY ENDED UP IN IMMIGRATION?!”

“REMEMBER WHEN BOTH SUITCASES LOST THE EXACT SAME WHEEL?!”

AND WE’LL START LAUGHING ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

THOSE ARE THE MEMORIES THAT MAKE LIFE SO DANG WONDERFUL!!!!

So, PEEPS, until our NEXT adventure…

KEEP YOUR PASSPORT HANDY!

COUNT YOUR LUGGAGE WHEELS!

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE JANETO’S ABILITY TO BOSS SOMEBODY!

ALWAYS PROTECT YOUR CHEESE TOAST!

AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY…

IF DUSTIN OFFERS TO DRIVE YOU TO MILO’S, YOU MIGHT WANT TO WALK!!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

And DON’T GO ANYWHERE!!!!

Because I still have MORE cruise stories to tell!

I found even MORE while scrolling through our pictures on the plane!

AND THANKSGIVING IN FLORIDA IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!!!!

THE ALABAMA & GEORGIA TRAVELING CIRCUS WILL RIDE AGAIN!!!!

Hopefully on FOUR WHEELS THIS TIME!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS, CHARLIE BROWN, SARAH JESSICA PARKER, ROSCO P. COLTRANE, AND EVERY PARKING LOT ATTENDANT IN THE STATE OF ALABAMA!!!!

CARPE DIEM! YOLO! AND THANK GOD WE MADE IT HOME ALIVE!!!! 🍹✈️🧳🍔🚔🎃❤️

And as my brand-new sweatshirt so perfectly reminds me…

“BAD MISTAKES MAKE GREAT MEMORIES!” ❤️🤣

P.S. Dustin, if your police chief happens to read this, I’m sure your driving is EXCELLENT when you’re on duty. But, honey, we might need to get you a GPS specifically designed for fast-food parking lots!

P.P.S. Janeto, we love you, but PLEASE let Dad drive without narrating every turn. And next time, HOLD ON TO YOUR FOOD!

P.P.P.S. Jessica and Dustin, happy anniversary! May your marriage last forever, your love never run out, and your next set of matching luggage come home with ALL EIGHT WHEELS!!!

P.P.P.P.S. To the Florida Thanksgiving crew: START PREPARING YOURSELVES NOW! THE ALABAMA & GEORGIA CIRCUS IS COMING TO TOWN! And y’all KNOW I WILL HAVE MY CAMERA READY! 📸🦃🏖️🍷🤣

THE END… FOR NOW! BECAUSE WITH THIS FAMILY, THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER CHAPTER!!!! 😂🤣❤️