🚢🍹 FREEDOM OF THE SEAS: THE VACATION IS OVER, BUT APPARENTLY THE CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIONS ARE JUST BEGINNING! 🚔🤣✈️

From Illegal Taxis, Police Escorts, Drug Mules, Overweight Luggage, Missing Ubers & Airport Mojitos… Y’ALL, WE NEED OUR OWN REALITY SHOW! 😂

Well, well, well… JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE TURNER FAMILY VACATION COULDN’T GET ANY CRAZIER… HOLD MY PINEAPPLE MIMOSA!!! 🍍🥂

Heavens to Betsy Ross!!! I thought getting OFF the Royal Caribbean Freedom of the Seas would be the EASY part of this vacation!

WRONG!!! SO FREAKIN’ WRONG!!! 🤣

Apparently, we weren’t finished making memories, embarrassing ourselves, confusing law enforcement, traumatizing transportation drivers, and providing FREE ENTERTAINMENT to innocent bystanders!

I’m beginning to think we need our own reality television show called “THE TURNERS: INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS & OTHER UNFORTUNATE EVENTS!” 🚔🍹

And believe me, we have enough material for SEVERAL SEASONS!

🚔 EPISODE ONE: JESSICA & DUSTIN GET A POLICE ESCORT IN CURAÇAO!

Now, before we even get to Miami, let me tell y’all about my sister Jessica and her husband Dustin.

Apparently, these two decided that regular transportation in Curaçao was just WAY TOO BORING!

So what did they do?!

THEY GOT INTO AN ILLEGAL TAXI CAB!!! 🚕🤣

Yes, people. An ILLEGAL TAXI!

And somehow, this little sightseeing adventure ended with them getting transported BACK TO THE SHIP IN A POLICE CAR!

A POLICE CAR!!!!

Now, here’s the funniest part.

Dustin IS A POLICE OFFICER!

But apparently, the Curaçao POLICIA did NOT give one flying flip about that little detail!

Dustin could’ve pulled out his badge, his credentials, his résumé, his kindergarten report card, and a letter of recommendation from the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

Those officers were NOT IMPRESSED!

I can just imagine Dustin explaining, “Well, I’m actually a police officer myself.”

And the Curaçao officer thinking, “Congratulations, señor. GET IN THE CAR!” 🚔😂

I’m sorry, but HOW MANY PEOPLE GO ON A CARIBBEAN CRUISE AND GET A COMPLIMENTARY POLICE ESCORT BACK TO THEIR SHIP?!

Not an excursion through Royal Caribbean!

Not a taxi!

Not a shuttle!

THE POLICIA EXPRESS!!!

Five stars for transportation! Zero stars for customer service! 🤣

🛂 EPISODE TWO: CHRISTY GETS DETAINED WITH THE DRUG MULES!

Now, you would think Jessica and Dustin had already filled our family’s LAW ENFORCEMENT QUOTA for this vacation.

OH, NOOOOO!!!

Because apparently, Miami immigration decided I needed my OWN SPECIAL ADVENTURE!

So, here I am, trying to get off the ship, minding my own business, looking forward to getting home.

And suddenly, SECURITY IS ESCORTING ME TO THE IMMIGRATION OFFICE!

EXCUSE ME?!

WHAT IN THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION IS GOING ON HERE?!

Apparently, because I was traveling ALONE, something about my situation looked suspicious!

SUSPICIOUS?!

SIR!!!

I’M A 54-YEAR-OLD WOMAN FROM ALABAMA WHO JUST SPENT TEN DAYS DRINKING PINEAPPLE MIMOSAS, TAKING PICTURES OF EVERYTHING THAT MOVED, AND WEARING BRIGHTLY COLORED DRESSES!

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK I’M SMUGGLING?!

Well… I did have a Louis Vuitton and several bottles of perfume.

BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT!!! 👜🤣

So they escort me into this holding room.

AND Y’ALL!!!

THERE ARE THREE MEN IN THERE CRYING!!!

CRYING!!!

Asking the police officer if they’re going to JAIL!

Now, from what I could gather, these gentlemen were apparently in some SERIOUS trouble involving drugs being brought into the Miami port.

And here I am sitting there thinking…

“SWEET BABY JESUS! I’M IN THE HOLDING ROOM WITH THE DRUG MULES!” 😳

THEM: “Officer, are we going to jail?!”

ME, IN MY HEAD: “Officer, am I going to miss my Uber?!”

THEM: Possibly bringing illegal substances into the United States.

ME: Bringing a Louis Vuitton, enough perfume to supply a department store, and approximately 47 outfits I didn’t wear!

WE ARE NOT THE SAME!!! 🤣

I’m sitting there wondering if they’re about to put me on an episode of Locked Up Abroad: The Alabama Edition!

Do I need a lawyer?!

Should I call my daddy?!

DOES LOUIS VUITTON PROVIDE LEGAL REPRESENTATION?!

And for heaven’s sake, WHO’S GOING TO WATER MY PLANTS?!

Finally, after they figured out I wasn’t doing anything wrong, the officer handed me my passport and said…

“Have a nice day.”

HAVE A NICE DAY?!

SIR!!!

I JUST SPENT PART OF MY MORNING IN A HOLDING ROOM WITH THREE GROWN MEN CRYING ABOUT GOING TO PRISON!

AND YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A NICE DAY?!

Well, thank you very much! YOU TOO! 🤣

I practically skipped out of there like I’d just been PARDONED BY THE GOVERNOR!

At this point, Jessica and Dustin have been escorted by the Curaçao police, and I’ve been escorted by Miami security.

WE ARE ONE MORE INCIDENT AWAY FROM NEEDING A FAMILY ATTORNEY ON RETAINER!!! 🚔😂

🥵 EPISODE THREE: WELCOME TO MIAMI… ALSO KNOWN AS THE SURFACE OF THE SUN!

We FINALLY make it outside the cruise terminal.

FREEDOM!!!

FRESH AIR!!!

OUR RIDE TO THE AIRPORT!!!

Except…

WHERE IS OUR RIDE?!

And WHY IS IT HOTTER THAN 5,000 HELLS OUT HERE?!

Y’ALL!!!

I was sweating ON TOP OF MY SWEAT!

My sweat had sweat!

My eyelashes were sweating!

My UNDERWEAR WAS PROBABLY SWEATING!

I was standing there thinking I needed to pull my deodorant out of my purse and reapply it to my ENTIRE BODY!

And then maybe spray myself with one of those brand-new bottles of perfume that probably got me flagged by immigration in the FIRST PLACE! 🤣

I didn’t know whether to call an Uber or request a FIRE DEPARTMENT TO COME HOSE US DOWN!

🚙 EPISODE FOUR: THE UBER DRIVER WHO NEVER FOUND US!

So, our first Uber driver apparently got lost somewhere in the Miami traffic.

Now, I don’t know if he was circling the cruise terminal, driving to Key West, or had accidentally entered another DIMENSION!

But he could NOT FIND US!

And at this point, Dad and Dustin had HAD ENOUGH!

They basically told that man…

“ADIÓS, SEÑOR! DON’T COME LOOKING FOR US!” 👋🤣

CANCEL THAT RIDE!

WE ARE DONE WITH YOU!

So we finally get another Uber.

Bless this poor lady’s heart.

Because we loaded her vehicle like we were MOVING THE ENTIRE TURNER HOUSEHOLD TO ANOTHER STATE!

Suitcases!

Carry-ons!

Purses!

People!

MORE SUITCASES!

I ended up wedged in the very back like a little kid going on a family vacation in 1978, buried under everyone’s luggage!

I couldn’t move!

I couldn’t see!

I was just hoping somebody remembered I was IN THERE!

When we finally arrived at the airport, I started hollering…

“DON’T FORGET MEEEEEEE!!!” 🤣

I was one suitcase away from being checked as OVERSIZED BAGGAGE!

🧳 EPISODE FIVE: CHRISTY’S LUGGAGE HAS ENTERED THE HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION!

Now comes AIRPORT CHECK-IN!

GOOD GRIEF, CHARLIE BROWN!!!

We stand in line FOREVER!

Only to get to the counter and have them tell us…

“Oh, you need to go back to the kiosk and print your luggage tags.”

EXCUSE ME?!

WE JUST STOOD IN THIS LINE LONG ENOUGH TO QUALIFY FOR SOCIAL SECURITY!

And NOW YOU WANT US TO GO BACK?!

Of course, I’m looking at Mom…

“MOM!!! DON’T PANIC!!!” 😂

Because after the whole cruise ship room-rules incident, we are ALL VERY AWARE OF MOM’S RELATIONSHIP WITH RULES!

So back to the kiosk we go!

Print the tags!

Get back in line!

FINALLY, it’s my turn.

And wouldn’t you know it…

BOTH OF MY SUITCASES ARE WAY OVERWEIGHT!!!

EVERYBODY: “CHRISTYYYYYY!!!”

ME: “I KNOWWWWW!!! LET ME LIVE MY BEST LIFE!!!”

Listen here, people!

I AM A WOMAN!

I HAVE OPTIONS!

I HAVE MOODS!

I HAVE OUTFITS FOR MOODS I HAVEN’T EVEN EXPERIENCED YET!

What if I want to wear a bright pink dress?!

What if I want to wear a blue one?!

What if we’re going to the beach?!

What if we’re going sightseeing?!

What if I meet the love of my life at breakfast?!

WHAT IF I NEED THREE PAIRS OF SHOES JUST TO GO TO DINNER?!

A GIRL HAS HER PREROGATIVES!!!

I cannot possibly know what I’m going to want to wear TEN DAYS IN ADVANCE!

That’s just UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS!

My luggage wasn’t overweight.

IT WAS EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR EVERY POSSIBLE SITUATION! 👗👠👜

And I will NOT APOLOGIZE FOR BEING FASHIONABLY PREPARED!

⌚ EPISODE SIX: CHRISTY’S JEWELRY SETS OFF AIRPORT SECURITY!

FINALLY, I get to airport security.

And wouldn’t you know it, my two David Yurman bracelets and my big Gucci watch decide they want to create another INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!

The young security guy tells me I need to take them off before going through the scanner.

So I hand him my bracelets and watch.

He holds them and says…

“THEY’RE HEAVY!”

YES, SIR!!!

THEY ARE!!!

I DON’T WEAR LIGHTWEIGHT ACCESSORIES!

I LIKE MY JEWELRY LIKE I LIKE MY PERSONALITY…

BIG, BOLD, AND IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE!!! 🤣

At this point, I’m just thankful nobody is escorting me into another holding room!

I make it through!

I’M CLEARED!

NO HANDCUFFS!

NO IMMIGRATION OFFICE!

NO DRUG MULES!

JUST ME AND MY HEAVY JEWELRY!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!

🍔 EPISODE SEVEN: AIRPORT DINING HAS TURNED INTO SELF-CHECKOUT AT WALMART!

We are FINALLY reunited!

The whole family!

No police escorts!

No missing people!

No one being questioned by federal authorities!

SO LET’S EAT!!!

We find this burger joint.

And wouldn’t you know it…

YOU HAVE TO ORDER FROM A QR CODE!

LORT HAVE MERCY!!!

I just want somebody to bring me a menu, take my order, and let me EAT!

Instead, I’m sitting here trying to figure out a QR code like I’m applying for a GOVERNMENT SECURITY CLEARANCE!

It’s like going through the SELF-CHECKOUT AT WALMART!

Except now we’re at a restaurant!

We’re doing all the work!

We’re ordering our own food!

And THEN…

THE GRATUITY IS ALREADY ADDED!

BUT THEY WANT US TO ADD MORE TIP!!!

MORE?!

FOR WHAT?!

DID I NOT JUST TAKE MY OWN ORDER?!

SHOULD I TIP MYSELF?!

DO I NEED TO WALK BACK THERE AND COOK MY OWN BURGER TOO?!

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!!

WHERE IS THE DRINK MENU?!

DENISE!!!

WE NEED TO START AT THE BEGINNING OF THE AIRPORT DRINK MENU AND WORK OUR WAY THROUGH IT JUST LIKE WE DID ON THE SHIP!!! 🍹🤣

🍹 EPISODE EIGHT: THE BACARDÍ MOJITO BAR SAVES THE DAY!

Now, after what feels like walking the entire length of the STATE OF FLORIDA, we FINALLY arrive at Gate D60!

THE VERY END OF THE MIAMI AIRPORT!

I mean, seriously!

Did we walk to another COUNTY?!

I thought we were going to need hiking boots, a compass, and a packed lunch to get there!

But then…

LIKE A BEAUTIFUL MIRAGE IN THE DESERT…

I SEE IT!!!

THE BACARDÍ MOJITO BAR!!! 🍹🍍

SWEET BABY JESUS!!!

THERE IS A GOD!!!

AND HE HAS PROVIDED A MOJITO BAR AT THE END OF OUR JOURNEY!!!

SIR!!!

WE NEED DRINKS!

DOUBLE SHOTS!

TRIPLE SHOTS!

BRING THE ENTIRE MENU!

BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD A DAY!!!

And just when I thought we could sit down and enjoy a peaceful beverage…

OH, NOOOOO!!!

MOM FALLS OVER THE TABLE!!!

DAD HITS A LADY IN THE HEAD WITH HIS BACKPACK!!!

THERE’S A SWEET LITTLE OLDER COUPLE BESIDE US LAUGHING THEIR HEADS OFF!!!

And I’m standing there trying to decide what I want to drink!

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY WE CANNOT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT CREATING A PUBLIC DISTURBANCE?!

Mom’s practically doing gymnastics over the furniture!

Dad’s swinging his backpack around like he’s competing in the OLYMPIC HAMMER THROW!

The poor lady probably thought she was being ATTACKED BY A TOURIST!

The older couple is getting a FREE COMEDY SHOW!

And I’m just trying to order a FREAKIN’ MOJITO!

SIR! DO YOU HAVE PINEAPPLE?!

Because I have PRIORITIES!!! 🤣

Y’ALL!!!

WE NEED A CAMERA CREW!

NOT A SMALL ONE!

A FULL PRODUCTION CREW!

MULTIPLE CAMERAS!

BODY CAMERAS!

DRONE FOOTAGE!

AND SOMEBODY FROM THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL TO DOCUMENT THIS SPECIES OF SOUTHERN HUMAN BEHAVIOR!

🍍 THE PINEAPPLE MOJITO REVIEW: GOOGLE RECEIPTS DON’T LIE!

And speaking of mojitos…

I ordered a PINEAPPLE MOJITO!

And let me tell y’all something…

IT WAS THE BESTEST!!!

YES, I SAID BESTEST!

And of course, I took a picture!

Because you KNOW ME!

IF THERE ARE NO PICTURE RECEIPTS, DID IT EVEN HAPPEN?!

Denise, I took a Google picture receipt JUST FOR YOU!

WISH YOU WERE HERE FOR OUR PICTURE!

But don’t worry, I GOT THE EVIDENCE!

And my official Christy Pineapple Mojito Rating?!

🍍🍹 5 OUT OF 5!!!

FIVE STARS!

TWO THUMBS UP!

WOULD ABSOLUTELY DRINK AGAIN!

Possibly THREE MORE!

But let’s not give Miami immigration another reason to investigate me! 😂

✈️ EPISODE NINE: WE STILL HAVE TO GET ON AN AIRPLANE!

And here’s the part that scares me…

WE HAVEN’T EVEN BOARDED THE PLANE YET!!!

LET THAT SINK IN!

We’ve already had illegal taxis, international police escorts, immigration holding rooms, crying suspected drug mules, missing Uber drivers, overweight luggage, security scanners, QR-code restaurants, flying backpacks, falling mothers, and airport mojitos!

AND WE STILL HAVE TO FLY HOME!!!

I’m almost afraid to ask what could POSSIBLY happen next!

Will Mom panic about boarding time?!

Will Dad accidentally knock out a flight attendant with his carry-on?!

Will Jessica and Dustin somehow end up in another police car?!

Will I get selected for another random security screening?!

WILL SOMEBODY HAVE TO PUT OUT AN AMBER ALERT ON ME AGAIN?!

At this point, NOTHING WOULD SURPRISE ME!

But don’t y’all fret!

Because if something happens on that airplane…

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT’S GOING IN THIS BLOG!!! 🤣

❤️ FINAL THOUGHTS FROM THE TURNER FAMILY TRAVELING CIRCUS!

We boarded the Freedom of the Seas expecting beautiful islands, wonderful meals, delicious cocktails, sunshine, family celebrations, and memories to last a lifetime.

And we got ALL OF THAT!

PLUS A FEW UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTERS WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT!

We’ve laughed until our stomachs hurt!

We’ve embarrassed ourselves in multiple countries!

We’ve gotten lost!

We’ve panicked!

We’ve lost diamond rings and found them!

We’ve asked questions about dolphins in Aruba and the quality of cubic zirconia!

We’ve sampled enough cocktails to write our own beverage encyclopedia!

We’ve celebrated birthdays and anniversaries!

And we’ve probably given several innocent people stories they’ll be telling THEIR families for YEARS!

But you know what?!

I WOULDN’T TRADE ONE SINGLE CRAZY MINUTE OF IT!

Because life is too short to be boring!

Make memories!

Laugh until you cry!

Take the pictures!

Drink the pineapple mojito!

Wear the bright dress!

Pack the extra shoes!

And for HEAVEN’S SAKE…

MAKE SURE YOUR TAXI IS LEGAL BEFORE YOU GET IN IT!!! 🚕🚔🤣

And if you ever see a group of loud, laughing Southerners wandering through an airport with too much luggage, a backpack being swung around, and a woman hollering “DON’T PANIC!”…

JUST KNOW…

THE TURNERS HAVE ARRIVED!!!

And if you see ME being escorted somewhere by security…

PLEASE TELL THEM I’M JUST A WOMAN FROM ALABAMA WHO LIKES DESIGNER PURSES, EXPENSIVE PERFUME, AND PINEAPPLE MIMOSAS!!!

I AM NOT PART OF AN INTERNATIONAL SMUGGLING RING!!!

I’M JUST TRYING TO GET HOME!!! 😂

Until our next adventure…

CARPE DIEM! YOLO! AND HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS… SOMEBODY GET US A CAMERA CREW!!! 🚢✈️🍹🤣

P.S. If anyone from Netflix, Bravo, or TLC is reading this, HAVE YOUR PEOPLE CALL MY PEOPLE! We have enough material for at least six seasons, a reunion special, and a documentary titled “Don’t Panic: The Turner Family Goes International!” 😂

P.P.S. We still have to survive the flight home. STAY TUNED!!!

#FreedomOfTheSeas #TurnerFamilyAdventures #DontPanic #CruiseChronicles #InternationalIncidents #PineappleMojitos #HeavensToBetsyRoss #ChristyUnfiltered #GoogleReceipts #YouCantMakeThisStuffUp #CarpeDiem #YOLO