🦞🍷🚢 TABLE 423: WHERE FAMILY SECRETS GO TO DIE AND MY SISTER’S CONCEPTION BECOMES DINNER ENTERTAINMENT! 🤣🚨

WARNING: This family needs adult supervision, legal representation, and possibly a priest!!! 😂🤣

SOOOOOO……Y’ALL!!! 🤦‍♀️🤣

I swear on everything holy that what I’m about to tell you ACTUALLY HAPPENED TONIGHT at dinner aboard Royal Caribbean’s Freedom of the Seas!!!

And I am STILL laughing!!!

Let me just start by saying that when my family and our friends get together, you NEVER, EVER know what is going to come flying out of somebody’s mouth!!!

We have NO FILTERS!!!

NONE!!!

ZERO!!!

NOT EVEN ONE OF THOSE LITTLE COFFEE FILTERS YOU PUT IN A KEURIG!!!

And when you add a few adult beverages into the equation, well, HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!! You better buckle up, put on your full suit of armor, strap on your helmet, and prepare yourself for whatever verbal catastrophe is about to unfold!!! 🍷🤣

Because we’re not just having dinner.

WE’RE ONE COCKTAIL AWAY FROM BECOMING AN EPISODE OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!!!

Now, let me set the scene.

We’re on this fabulous 10-day cruise celebrating several very special occasions!

🎉 Mom and Dad’s 55th wedding anniversary!

🥂 My sister Jessica and her husband Dustin’s 8th wedding anniversary!

🎂 Ricky’s 70th birthday!

🎉 And MY 54th birthday!!!

Now, let me explain how this entire conversation about my sister’s CONCEPTION even got started in the first place!!! 🤣🤣🤣

We are celebrating MY 54TH BIRTHDAY on this ship, and somehow, while discussing my birthday and the fact that I’m getting another year older, our friend Terry starts talking about my sister Jessica and how everybody has always called her “THE BABY!”

Because Jessica is approximately 15 years younger than me!!!

YES!!! FIFTEEN YEARS!!!

And she wasn’t just the baby of the family.

SHE WAS THE UH-OH BABY!!! 👶🤣

You know, that unexpected little surprise that comes along when Mom and Dad think they’re finally seeing the light at the end of the parenting tunnel!!!

And apparently, that light was actually the headlights of another BABY TRAIN HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THEM!!! 🚂🤣

So, naturally, because we’re a completely NORMAL family with absolutely NO FILTERS, the conversation went from celebrating MY birthday to discussing WHY Jessica was born 15 years after me!!!

And then somebody started talking about WHEN she was conceived!!!

AND THEN WHERE!!!

AND THEN HOW!!!

OH, SWEET BABY JESUS!!!

HOW DID WE GO FROM CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY TO INVESTIGATING MY PARENTS’ PRIVATE ACTIVITIES FROM DECADES AGO?! 🤣🤣🤣

I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS KIND OF BIRTHDAY ENTERTAINMENT!!!

I JUST WANTED MY CHEESE TORTELLINI, MY FRENCH ONION SOUP, AND MY COCKTAIL!!! 🍝🍷

And tonight was LOBSTER NIGHT!!! 🦞🦞🦞

Now, everybody else was enjoying their lobster, cracking shells, dipping everything in melted butter, and having themselves a fabulous seafood extravaganza!!!

But NOT ME!!!

I’m a vegetarian, so I was perfectly happy with my cheese tortellini and French onion soup!!!

And let me tell you, my dinner was delicious!!!

So here we all are, sitting at TABLE 423 ON THE FOURTH FLOOR, dressed up, enjoying our dinners, sipping our spirits, and supposedly having a lovely, civilized family dinner.

SUPPOSEDLY!!!

Because before the family secrets even started spilling out, we were already having ourselves a scene straight out of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation!!! 🎄🤣

Y’ALL REMEMBER THE GRISWOLDS’ CHRISTMAS DINNER?!

Everybody sitting around the table, passing food, talking over each other, and the whole thing looking like one big dysfunctional family gathering?!

WELL, WELCOME TO THE TURNER FAMILY VERSION!!!

There I am, minding my own business, eating my cheese tortellini and French onion soup, when my mother, Janeto, looks over at me and asks…

“CHRISTY, DO YOU WANT MY CARROTS?” 🥕🤣

And before I can even get settled back into my dinner, Denise chimes in…

“CHRISTY, DO YOU WANT MY BROCCOLI?” 🥦🤣

I MEAN, REALLY?!

WHAT AM I?!

THE FAMILY GARBAGE DISPOSAL FOR VEGETABLES?!

THE OFFICIAL PRODUCE RECYCLING CENTER OF TABLE 423?!

JUST BECAUSE I’M A VEGETARIAN DOESN’T MEAN I WANT EVERYBODY’S LEFTOVER VEGETABLES!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I’m sitting here trying to enjoy my perfectly wonderful CHEESE TORTELLINI, and everybody is offering me their side dishes like I’m some kind of wandering farm animal that escaped from the petting zoo!!!

I was waiting for somebody to slide their dinner roll across the table and ask if I wanted to graze on that, too…which Terry did!!!!

I DECLINED!!!

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!!

All I could think about was the Griswolds sitting around that Christmas dinner table, everybody passing food, talking nonsense, and not a single normal conversation taking place!!!

CLARK GRISWOLD WOULD HAVE FIT RIGHT IN AT TABLE 423!!! 🎄🤣

And little did I know, the carrots and broccoli were about to be the MOST NORMAL PART OF THE ENTIRE EVENING!!!

Because apparently, somewhere between the cheese tortellini, French onion soup, lobster shells, vegetables, and cocktails, we decided it would be a fabulous idea to investigate the circumstances surrounding the conception of my baby sister!!!

YES!!!

MY SISTER’S CONCEPTION!!!

AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!

WITH OUR PARENTS PRESENT!!!

AND AN AUDIENCE!!!

Y’ALL, I CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Now, our friend Terry has always called Jessica “THE BABY” because she’s approximately 15 years younger than me.

And she really was our little UH-OH BABY!!!

You know, the kind of baby that comes along when everybody thinks Mom and Dad have already completed their parenting duties and are heading toward freedom!!!

WELL, SURPRISE!!! 🎉👶

I remember when Mom and Dad sat my brother Chad and me down to announce the FABULOUS news that we were getting another sibling.

Chad was devastated!!!

He thought Mom and Dad didn’t think the two of us were enough!!!

BLESS HIS LITTLE HEART!!! 🤣

And ME?!

OH, HEAVENS NO!!!

I wasn’t worried about not being enough!!!

I was thinking, “ARE Y’ALL OUT OF YOUR EVER-LOVING MINDS?!”

Because I was a teenager!!!

I had places to go, people to see, boys to flirt with, and a social calendar that DID NOT include changing diapers, warming bottles, or providing FREE CHILD LABOR!!!

I knew EXACTLY where this was heading!!!

BABYSITTING!!!

UNPAID!!!

WITHOUT BENEFITS!!!

WITHOUT A 401(k)!!!

WITHOUT EVEN A DECENT HOURLY WAGE!!!

And I was already mentally preparing to contact the Department of Labor!!! 🤣🤣

But back to tonight’s dinner…

Somehow, the conversation turned from Jessica being the baby to HOW Jessica actually became the baby.

And that’s when things went completely off the rails!!!

Apparently, years ago, Mom and Dad had attended a business convention in SOUTH DAKOTA with our friends Terry and Debbie.

Now, let me clarify this timeline before somebody starts calling Maury Povich!!!

This South Dakota convention was back around the time Jessica was conceived, and tonight’s conversation brought up the possibility that this little business trip had something to do with her grand entrance into the Turner family!!!

And wouldn’t you know it, Terry and Debbie had a room RIGHT NEXT DOOR to Mom and Dad!!!

OH, LORD HAVE MERCY!!!

Y’ALL SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?! 🤣🤣🤣

Well, apparently, Terry and Debbie could hear Mom and Dad through the wall!!!

ALL NIGHT!!!

YES!!!

YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY!!!

ALLLLLL NIGHT!!!

And Terry, being Terry, apparently asked Dad afterward…

“MIKE, DO YOU NEED SOME OXYGEN?!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OXYGEN!!!

SOMEBODY GET THAT MAN AN OXYGEN TANK!!!

A NEBULIZER!!!

A DEFIBRILLATOR!!!

CALL 911!!!

Apparently, Dad had been participating in some extracurricular convention activities that were NOT LISTED ON THE BUSINESS AGENDA!!! 🤣🍷

I AM DECEASED!!!

COMPLETELY!!!

And here we are, all these years later, discussing this little historical event while everybody’s enjoying lobster and I’m sitting there with my cheese tortellini!!!

WHO DOES THIS?!

MY FAMILY!!!

THAT’S WHO!!!

Now, let me add another VERY IMPORTANT detail to this entire circus.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW DUSTIN IS A POLICE OFFICER!!! 👮‍♂️🚨

YES, PEOPLE!!!

We had an ACTUAL LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER sitting right there at Table 423 while this entire investigation was unfolding!!!

You would THINK that with a trained police officer present, somebody could have maintained a little LAW AND ORDER!!!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

Dustin was just as involved in the questioning as everybody else!!!

In fact, he wanted MORE DETAILS!!!

MORE EVIDENCE!!!

MORE TESTIMONY!!!

SIR!!!

THIS IS YOUR WIFE’S CONCEPTION WE ARE DISCUSSING!!!

NOT A CRIME SCENE!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I was waiting for him to pull out his handcuffs, slap them on somebody, and announce that the entire table was under arrest for DISTURBING THE PEACE!!!

But NOOOOO!!!

We were apparently conducting a full-blown investigation!!!

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL LOBSTER UNIT!!! 🦞🚔

DUN DUN!!!

And NOBODY was exercising their RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!!!

Not one single person!!!

Apparently, the Miranda rights had been thrown overboard somewhere between Miami and the Caribbean!!!

And what makes this even FUNNIER?!

I WAS RECORDING THE WHOLE THING!!! 📱🤣

OH YES, I WAS!!!

Because when family history starts spilling out like this, somebody has to preserve the evidence for future generations!!!

I’m practically a documentary filmmaker at this point!!!

Forget Netflix!!!

Forget Dateline!!!

Forget 48 Hours!!!

WE’VE GOT 55 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, A SOUTH DAKOTA BUSINESS CONVENTION, A QUESTIONABLE HOTEL WALL, AN OXYGEN EMERGENCY, AND A POSSIBLE CONCEPTION MYSTERY!!!

This is a six-part documentary series just WAITING to happen!!!

And speaking of recording everything…

LET ME TELL YOU JUST HOW RIDICULOUS I AM ABOUT MY VIDEO RECEIPTS!!! 📱🤣🎂

Because while we’re celebrating MY birthday, our wonderful dining room crew brings me a BAKED ALASKA WITH BIRTHDAY CANDLES!!!

And everybody starts singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

HOW SWEET IS THAT?!

Well, what do I do?!

Do I sit there, smile, enjoy the moment, and let somebody ELSE record it?!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

I PULL OUT MY PHONE AND VIDEO MY OWN BIRTHDAY SONG!!! 🤣🤣🤣

YES!!!

I AM VIDEOING MYSELF WHILE EVERYBODY IS SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

AND I’M RECORDING MYSELF BLOWING OUT THE CANDLES IN MY BAKED ALASKA!!!

I MEAN, WHO DOES THAT?!

ME!!!

THAT’S WHO!!!

Because, PEOPLE, I TAKE VIDEO RECEIPTS OF EVERYTHING!!!

EVEN MYSELF!!! 📱🤣

And don’t forget the PICTURE RECEIPTS!!!

GOTTA HAVE THOSE, TOO!!!

I don’t care if it’s a birthday, a vacation, a family dinner, a cocktail, or somebody saying something they probably shouldn’t have said!!!

I NEED DOCUMENTATION!!!

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!!!

VIDEO EVIDENCE!!!

WITNESSES!!!

AND POSSIBLY A NOTARIZED STATEMENT!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I’m sitting there holding my phone up, filming myself like I’m the STAR OF MY OWN BIRTHDAY DOCUMENTARY!!!

Which, technically, I AM!!!

And I’m trying to smile, record, blow out candles, and make sure I get the perfect angle ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!

MULTITASKING, PEOPLE!!!

It’s a TALENT!!!

I don’t need a camera crew!!!

I AM THE CAMERA CREW!!!

THE DIRECTOR!!!

THE PRODUCER!!!

AND THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!

ALL WRAPPED UP INTO ONE!!! 🎬🎂🤣

Because if somebody asks me later whether they sang Happy Birthday to me, I can say…

“HONEY, I’VE GOT THE VIDEO RECEIPTS!!! AND THE PICTURE RECEIPTS!!! GOOGLE RECEIPTS AIN’T GOT NOTHING ON CHRISTY!!!”

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!!

At this point, I might as well start wearing a BODY CAMERA!!!

DUSTIN, CAN YOU GET ME ONE OF THOSE POLICE BODY CAMERAS?!

I’VE GOT FAMILY HISTORY TO DOCUMENT!!! 🤣🤣🤣

And poor Jessica!!!

BLESS HER HEART!!!

Her face was turning every shade of RED imaginable!!!

I’m talking LOBSTER RED!!!

WHICH WAS VERY APPROPRIATE CONSIDERING WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WAS EATING!!! 🦞🤣

She was sitting there listening to details about her parents that NO CHILD, REGARDLESS OF AGE, EVER WANTS TO KNOW!!!

I mean, we all understand HOW we got here!!!

WE JUST DON’T NEED THE PLAY-BY-PLAY COMMENTARY!!!

ESPECIALLY NOT WHILE EATING DINNER!!!

And then Jessica started wondering about her NAME!!!

OH, SWEET BABY JESUS!!!

Now we’re investigating whether there’s some secret meaning behind her name, too?!

Was there a connection to South Dakota?!

Was there a clue?!

Did somebody leave behind a hotel receipt?!

Do we need to subpoena the convention itinerary?!

DUSTIN, GET YOUR NOTEBOOK!!!

WE’VE GOT MORE QUESTIONS!!! 🤣🤣🤣

And something tells me Dustin STILL has more questions!!!

I mean, he’s a police officer!!!

HE’S NOT GOING TO CLOSE THIS CASE UNTIL EVERY QUESTION HAS BEEN ANSWERED!!!

And I’m pretty sure DENISE might have a few questions of her own!!!

OH, LORD!!!

NOT DENISE AND HER QUESTIONS!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Because if y’all remember our day on the island of ARUBA, Denise was asking SO MANY QUESTIONS that I’m not even sure SHE knew whether half of them were LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS OR NOT!!!

I’m talking QUESTION AFTER QUESTION AFTER QUESTION!!!

At some point, I was wondering if we were on an island tour or participating in a congressional hearing!!!

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!!

And now here we are with a South Dakota conception mystery!!!

DUSTIN’S GOT THE BADGE, DENISE HAS THE QUESTIONS, AND I’VE GOT THE VIDEO RECEIPTS!!! 👮‍♂️📱🤣

ALL WE NEED NOW IS A COURTROOM AND SOMEBODY WILLING TO TESTIFY UNDER OATH!!!

Although, considering this family, I don’t know if ANYBODY would qualify as a RELIABLE WITNESS!!!

And somebody PLEASE make sure Denise’s questions are ACTUALLY RELATED TO THE CASE before we accidentally launch an investigation into something that happened in ARUBA!!! 🤣🤣🤣

At this point, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe!!!

And at one point, Terry and I were laughing SO HARD that we weren’t even laughing at anything anymore!!!

WE WERE JUST LAUGHING TO LAUGH!!! 🤣🤣🤣

You know that kind of laughing where somebody looks at you, you look back at them, and BOTH OF YOU JUST START LAUGHING ALL OVER AGAIN?!

FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!!

NOTHING!!!

NADA!!!

ZIP!!!

We didn’t even need a punchline anymore!!!

We’d look at each other and just LOSE IT!!!

And the harder Terry laughed, the harder I laughed, and the harder I laughed, the harder HE laughed!!!

IT WAS A NEVER-ENDING CYCLE OF COMPLETE IDIOCY!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I’m talking tears running down our faces, stomach muscles hurting, can’t catch your breath, about-to-fall-out-of-your-chair LAUGHING!!!

At that point, somebody could’ve said “BROCCOLI” and we’d have needed to be carried out of the dining room on stretchers!!!

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!!!

WE HAD OFFICIALLY REACHED THE POINT OF LAUGHING AT OUR OWN LAUGHTER!!!

And I was seriously about to need that same oxygen tank Terry had suggested for Dad all those years ago!!!

SOMEBODY CALL THE MEDICAL CENTER!!! TABLE 423 HAS LOST ALL CONTROL!!! 🚨🤣🦞🍷

And the entire time, I’m thinking…

WE ARE CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY TONIGHT, AND INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL BIRTH STORY, WE’RE INVESTIGATING THEIR ACTIVITIES AT A BUSINESS CONVENTION FROM SOUTH DAKOTA!!!

YOU CANNOT TAKE US ANYWHERE!!!

NOT EVEN ON A LUXURY CRUISE SHIP!!!

We are basically the Griswold family with passports, lobster, cheese tortellini, French onion soup, and a casino beverage package with cruise benefits!!!

And apparently, I’m the designated recipient of everybody’s leftover vegetables!!! 🥕🥦🤣

And I’m pretty sure the people sitting around us were getting a better dinner show than anything Royal Caribbean had scheduled for the evening!!!

And speaking of people who probably deserve some kind of MEDAL for surviving this cruise with us…

OUR POOR WAITRESS, IRENE, AND OUR BAR GUY, ROBBY!!! 🤣🍷

BLESS THEIR SWEET LITTLE HEARTS!!!

Irene has been serving us EVERY SINGLE NIGHT at Table 423, and Robby has been keeping our spirits flowing!!!

And I am absolutely POSITIVE these two have NEVER, EVER encountered a crazier bunch of people from ALABAMA AND GEORGIA in their ENTIRE LIVES!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I mean, can you IMAGINE what these poor people must be thinking?!

Here comes Irene, trying to do her job, politely serve our dinners, refill our water glasses, and make sure everybody has everything they need…

Meanwhile, we’re discussing somebody’s CONCEPTION, asking whether my father needed OXYGEN, offering each other leftover vegetables, and laughing so hard we can barely speak!!!

AND POOR ROBBY!!!

He’s probably thinking, “GOOD LORD, DO THESE PEOPLE EVER STOP TALKING, LAUGHING, OR ORDERING DRINKS?!” 🍷🤣

I’m pretty sure Irene and Robby have been going back to their little station every night, looking at each other, shaking their heads, and TALKING CRAP ABOUT TABLE 423!!!

I CAN JUST HEAR IT NOW!!!

IRENE: “Robby, you are NOT going to believe what these people from Alabama and Georgia were talking about tonight!!!”

ROBBY: “Oh, I believe it!!! I’ve been bringing them drinks all week!!!” 🤣🤣🤣

IRENE: “They were talking about how one of their family members was CONCEIVED!!!”

ROBBY: “WELL, THAT EXPLAINS A LOT!!!” 😂😂😂

And then I can just imagine both of them standing behind their station, laughing, shaking their heads, and wondering WHAT IN THE WORLD they did to deserve TABLE 423!!!

I’m sure every time they see us walking into the dining room, they’re thinking…

“OH, LORD!!! HERE COME THE CRAZY AMERICANS FROM ALABAMA AND GEORGIA AGAIN!!!” 🤣🤣🤣

I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve got a little countdown calendar hidden behind their station marking off the days until we GET OFF THIS SHIP!!!

And I don’t blame them ONE BIT!!!

But let me tell y’all something else about our sweet Irene!!!

SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME!!! ❤️🤣

YES, PEOPLE!!! OUR WAITRESS ACTUALLY SAID SHE LOVED ME!!!

And do you know WHY?!

Because I was VIDEOING EVERYTHING AND TAKING PICTURES OF EVERYTHING!!!

EVERYTHING!!!

I mean, she’s probably never seen somebody document a dinner like they’re filming a six-part Netflix documentary!!!

And I wasn’t just taking pictures of everybody else!!!

OH NO!!!

I WAS VIDEOING MYSELF, TOO!!!

I mean, somebody has to preserve these historical events for future generations!!!

VIDEO RECEIPTS!!! PICTURE RECEIPTS!!! GOOGLE RECEIPTS!!!

I DON’T PLAY WHEN IT COMES TO DOCUMENTATION!!! 📱🤣

And Irene also told me she LOVED MY FASHION!!!

Because every single night, I showed up to dinner wearing my BRIGHT, COLORFUL DRESSES!!! 👗🌈💃

Y’ALL KNOW I LOVE MY COLORS!!!

I’m not coming to dinner looking like I belong in the witness protection program!!!

OH, HEAVENS NO!!!

I’M SHOWING UP LIKE A WALKING TROPICAL COCKTAIL WITH A PERSONALITY TO MATCH!!! 🍹🤣

I mean, if you’re going to cruise around the Caribbean, you might as well LOOK LIKE THE CARIBBEAN!!!

BRIGHT!!!

COLORFUL!!!

AND IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS!!!

Irene probably saw me coming from halfway across the dining room every night!!!

“HERE COMES THE LADY IN THE BRIGHT DRESS WITH THE CAMERA AGAIN!!!” 🤣🤣🤣

And I absolutely LOVE that she noticed!!!

So, between my colorful dresses, my nonstop picture taking, my video receipts, and our family’s complete inability to behave like civilized adults at dinner…

I’M PRETTY SURE IRENE WILL NEVER FORGET ME!!!

And Irene, honey, if you’re reading this…

I LOVE YOU RIGHT BACK!!! ❤️🥰

But in all seriousness, Irene and Robby have been WONDERFUL to us, and we absolutely LOVE THEM!!!

They’ve taken such good care of our crazy crew every night!!!

And let me tell you something else…

THESE TWO DESERVE EVERY SINGLE PENNY OF EVERY TIP THEY GET FROM US…AND THEN SOME!!! 💵🤣❤️

I’m talking ABOVE AND BEYOND!!!

BONUS PAY!!!

HAZARDOUS DUTY PAY!!!

OVERTIME!!!

AND POSSIBLY A FULLY PAID VACATION AFTER WE GET OFF THIS SHIP!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Because let’s face it, serving our table isn’t just food and beverage service anymore!!!

IT’S SURVIVAL TRAINING!!!

Irene and Robby deserve every extra dollar for putting up with our loud mouths, our nonstop laughter, our crazy conversations, our endless drinks, and whatever other foolishness comes flying out of TABLE 423!!!

I’m pretty sure we’re going to be one of those tables they remember for a VERY LONG TIME!!!

Whether they WANT to or NOT!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Forget the Broadway productions!!!

Forget the comedians!!!

Forget the ice-skating shows!!!

JUST COME SIT NEAR TABLE 423!!!

WE’VE GOT FREE ENTERTAINMENT!!!

NO RESERVATIONS REQUIRED!!!

AND APPARENTLY NO SUBJECT IS OFF-LIMITS!!!

🤣🤣🤣

Now, I’m just going to say this…

Mom and Dad have been married for 55 YEARS!!!

FIFTY-FIVE!!!

That’s a lifetime of love, memories, children, grandchildren, family vacations, business trips, and apparently some VERY ENTHUSIASTIC HOTEL STAYS!!! 🤣🍷

And I absolutely LOVE that we can all sit around a dinner table and laugh until our stomachs hurt.

Even if the conversation is something that probably should have remained classified for another 55 years!!!

Because that’s just our family!!!

We laugh.

We joke.

We embarrass each other.

We offer each other carrots and broccoli and spirits!!!

We bring up things that probably should have stayed buried in the family archives.

And we apparently have absolutely NO PROBLEM discussing the birds and the bees while cracking open crustaceans and eating cheese tortellini!!!

I mean, WHO NEEDS A FAMILY TREE WHEN YOU’VE GOT A FAMILY CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION?!

And to think…

All we wanted was a nice dinner!!! 🦞🍝🍷

Instead, we got a Griswold Christmas dinner reenactment, a vegetable redistribution program, a birthday serenade with Baked Alaska, a self-produced birthday documentary, and a full historical investigation of a South Dakota business convention, complete with eyewitness testimony, questionable hotel acoustics, a police officer conducting an unofficial investigation, Denise possibly conducting a SECOND investigation, and a daughter who may NEVER look at her parents the same way again!!!

PLUS, two of the sweetest Royal Caribbean crew members, Irene and Robby, who probably deserve HAZARDOUS DUTY PAY for putting up with us!!! 🤣🤣🤣

And the funniest part?!

WE STILL HAVE ONE MORE DAY LEFT ON THIS CRUISE!!!

LORD HELP US ALL!!!

Because if THIS is what happens at dinner, I am genuinely concerned about what might come out at breakfast tomorrow!!!

Somebody notify the captain!!!

Somebody alert ship security!!!

Somebody get Dustin his badge!!!

Somebody give Denise a questionnaire!!!

Somebody give Irene and Robby a RAISE!!!

And for HEAVEN’S SAKE…

SOMEBODY GET MIKE TURNER SOME OXYGEN!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Happy 55th anniversary, Mom and Dad!!!

Happy 8th anniversary, Jessica and Dustin!!!

Happy 70th birthday, Ricky!!!

And happy 54th birthday to ME!!!

Here’s to family, laughter, lobster, cheese tortellini, love, and stories that probably should NEVER have been told in public!!!

And a HUGE THANK YOU to Irene and Robby for surviving TABLE 423 every single night!!!

But then again…

WHAT FUN WOULD THAT BE?! 😂🍷🦞🚢

Until our next family catastrophe…

CHEERS FROM TABLE 423!!! 🥂

Christy, Unfiltered — Where the spirits are flowing, the family secrets are spilling, the vegetables are being passed around, the video receipts are rolling, the colorful dresses are making an entrance, the questions never end, the waitstaff is probably questioning their career choices, and apparently NOTHING is sacred!!! 🤣🍷

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