🇦🇼 ARUBA, SARDINES, CACTUS & THE PUSSY PAINKILLER! 🍹🤣

Another Episode of Christy Unfiltered: Cruising, Chaos & Questionable Decisions! 🚢🌴😂

Heavens to Betsy Ross! If you think a relaxing day in Aruba sounds like sunshine, beautiful beaches, tropical cocktails, and a little sightseeing, you obviously have NEVER traveled with my family and friends! 🤣

Buckle up, buttercup! Because this little island adventure turned into a combination of National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Three Stooges, a Charlie Brown classroom, and a traveling circus that apparently forgot to get its vehicle inspected! 🚐😂

Let me start at the beginning.

BREAKFAST, BOOZE & THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT OLYMPICS! 🥂🍳

Like every morning aboard Royal Caribbean’s Freedom of the Seas, our entire crew meets in the dining room for breakfast.

Because when you’re on a cruise, apparently it’s a federal offense to miss a meal!

I mean, we JUST ate dinner last night, probably had a midnight snack, and somehow we’re all sitting down again like we’ve been stranded on a deserted island for six months!

You have to eat every single meal, every single snack, and every single dessert because HEAVEN FORBID we miss out on something we’ve already paid for! 😂

And naturally, I’m starting my morning with pineapple mimosas. 🍍🥂

Because orange juice is healthy, pineapple is a fruit, and champagne is made from grapes.

That’s practically a fruit salad, people! I’m just getting my daily vitamins! 🤣

WELCOME TO ARUBA! NOW EVERYBODY SUCK IT IN! 🚐🌵

Today’s destination was the beautiful island of Aruba! 🇦🇼

Most of us have been here several times, but my sister Jessica and her husband Dustin were Aruba rookies.

So Daddy decides to arrange a two-hour island tour before dropping us off at a beach club where we could spend the afternoon soaking up the sunshine, swimming in that gorgeous Caribbean water, and enjoying a few adult beverages.

Sounds wonderful, right?

WRONG!

First of all, there were TEN of us, including our driver, crammed into this van like a can of sardines that somebody forgot to leave room for the olive oil!

I couldn’t move my arms. I couldn’t cross my legs. I was practically breathing somebody else’s oxygen!

If somebody had sneezed, we’d have all needed chiropractic adjustments! 🤣

And guess where Jessica, Dustin, and I ended up?

THE VERY BACK!

Like three little kindergarten children who had been sent to the back of the school bus because they couldn’t behave!

Which, to be fair, was probably where we belonged! 😂

Now, our driver was a very nice man, but I’m convinced he was related to EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE ISLAND!

We’d pass a house, and he’d say somebody in his family lived there.

Another house? He used to live there.

Another street? More relatives.

Another building? Apparently somebody else in the family!

I started wondering whether we had paid for an island tour or a two-hour presentation of Ancestry.com: The Aruba Edition! 🌴🤣

At one point, I was expecting him to stop and introduce us to his third cousin’s sister-in-law’s uncle’s neighbor’s pet iguana!

And the three of us in the back couldn’t hear a single word he was saying anyway!

All we heard was:

“Wah wah wah wah wah wah…”

Remember the teacher from Charlie Brown?

THAT WAS OUR TOUR!

Except Charlie Brown’s classroom didn’t have potholes that could launch you into another ZIP code!

THE ARUBA ROLLER COASTER OF DEATH! 🎢🤣

Let me tell you about this van.

Every time we hit a bump, Jessica, Dustin, and I practically flew out of our seats and hit our heads on the ceiling!

BOOM!

BOUNCE!

BAM!

At one point, we hit a bump so hard my PHONE FLEW OUT OF MY HAND!

I thought we were about to enter orbit!

NASA could’ve saved millions on rocket fuel by just putting astronauts in the back of that van!

And then there was the scraping.

OH, THE SCRAPING!

Every so often, the back of the van would drag along the road.

SCRAAAAAAAPE!

I looked at Jessica and Dustin and said, “Y’all, I think the whole back of this van is about to fall off!”

And there we were, the three of us laughing hysterically, imagining the entire rear section of the van detaching and leaving us sitting in the middle of the Aruban desert surrounded by cactus! 🌵🌵🌵

Just three Americans, a couple of cell phones, and absolutely NO survival skills!

I could already see the headlines:

“THREE TOURISTS FOUND SITTING IN VAN SEAT IN ARUBA DESERT. STILL LAUGHING. REQUEST MIMOSAS.” 🤣

I mean, what would we even do?

Start walking?

Build a cactus shelter?

Ask an iguana for directions?

HEAVENS TO BETSY ROSS!

DENISE AND HER 25 QUESTIONS! 🐬😂

Meanwhile, Denise is sitting closer to the front, apparently conducting a very important scientific investigation of Aruba.

Out of nowhere, she asks our driver:

“Do y’all have dolphins here?”

DOLPHINS!

I started laughing!

I looked at her and said, “Well, I wonder if they’ve got FISH here, too?!” 🐟🤣

I couldn’t help myself!

Then I told her, “Denise, I KNOW you stayed up last night after we got through gambling and wrote down 25 stupid questions to ask this poor man today!”

I’m kidding, of course!

She actually asked some good questions.

But that dolphin question sent me straight over the edge!

And if you know Denise, you already know we have an entire collection of things she says that absolutely send me into hysterics!

Like the time she asked a bartender on the ship for “NAKINS!”

Not napkins.

NAKINS!

The poor bartender looked at her like she’d just requested a rare species of tropical bird!

He had absolutely NO IDEA what she wanted!

And I’m practically lying on the floor laughing!

Then there’s her calling her purse a POCKETBOOK!

A POCKETBOOK!

I told her I was surprised she didn’t ask the bartender to put her nakins in her pocketbook before she went to the picture show! 🤣

I swear, between the two of us, we could make a comedy show out of absolutely NOTHING!

CHURCHES, LIGHTHOUSES & PLEASE LET THIS TOUR END! ⛪️🌴

Now, back to our little desert expedition.

We stopped at an old church and a lighthouse, which were actually really cool!

Aruba really is a beautiful and interesting island.

But by this point, I was HOT.

I was CRAMPED.

I was SWEATING.

And I was beginning to wonder whether this two-hour tour was operating on island time or DOG YEARS!

It was hot as Hades outside, and inside that van, we were practically being slow-roasted like Thanksgiving turkeys!

I would’ve loved to take a nap, but every time my eyes started closing…

BOOM!

Another bump!

Head meets ceiling!

SCRAAAAAPE!

There goes the bottom of the van again!

And the driver is still going…

“Wah wah wah wah wah…”

I felt like Charlie Brown trapped in detention with a malfunctioning amusement park ride!

At this point, I didn’t need another history lesson.

I needed a BEACH, a BAR, and a BLESSING! 🍹🙏

PARADISE FOUND! BUT FIRST, WHERE ARE WE SITTING?! 🏖️🤣

FINALLY!

We made it to the beach!

And let me tell you, the water in Aruba is absolutely GORGEOUS!

That beautiful, crystal-clear turquoise blue that looks like somebody poured an entire bottle of food coloring into the ocean!

But before we could enjoy paradise…

Here comes MAMA!

And naturally, we’ve got to have a whole production about WHERE WE’RE GOING TO SIT!

Which chairs?

Which umbrellas?

How close to the water?

How far from the bar?

Are we all together?

Is everybody comfortable?

Lord have mercy, Janeto! We’re not purchasing beachfront real estate! We’re just sitting down for a few hours! 🤣

Meanwhile, Jessica, Dustin, and I have had ENOUGH of organized activities!

We’re heading straight for the ocean!

And OH MY GOODNESS!

That water felt absolutely AMAZING!

Cool, clear, beautiful, and exactly what I needed after two hours in the Aruba Sardine Express!

APPARENTLY, I MISSED THE BIKINI MEMO! 👙😂

Now, while we’re out in the water, I start looking around.

And I notice something.

EVERY WOMAN OUT THERE IS WEARING A STRING BIKINI!

Big women.

Small women.

Young women.

Older women.

EVERYBODY!

And nobody seems to care one bit!

Meanwhile, here I am in my ONE-PIECE swimsuit looking like I’ve arrived for a competitive swimming event at the YMCA! 🤣

I looked at Jessica and Dustin and said, “Well, apparently I’m OVERDRESSED!”

I mean, these women were out there living their absolute BEST LIVES!

Not a care in the world!

And I LOVE IT!

Here I am with my swimsuit covering everything, and everybody else is apparently operating under the philosophy of:

“If you’ve got it, flaunt it! And if you’ve got a little extra, FLAUNT THAT TOO!” 😂

More power to them!

I decided that if I wasn’t going to participate in the bikini fashion show, I might as well participate in something I was actually qualified for.

THE BAR! 🍹

ONE WOMAN, ONE PIER & A WHOLE LOT OF HAPPY! 🍹🌊

Now, out on this pier was a bar with music, people laughing, tropical drinks flowing, and three beach-party catamarans coming and going with people having the time of their lives!

And I thought…

NOW THIS IS MY KIND OF HISTORICAL TOUR! 🤣

Forget the family trees!

Forget the cactus!

Forget the van that nearly left us stranded in the desert!

I found my HAPPY PLACE!

So I planted myself at that bar and started enjoying the afternoon.

The music was playing.

The boats were coming and going.

People were partying.

The ocean was absolutely breathtaking.

And there I sat, just me, myself, and my tropical beverages!

I stayed there until it was time to leave!

And you know what?

I had the BEST time!

Sometimes I can be surrounded by hundreds of people and still enjoy being completely on my own.

Give me an ocean view, some music, a good cocktail, and a front-row seat to people having fun, and I’m perfectly content!

I don’t need a plus-one. I’ve got a barstool and a bartender! 🍹😂

BACK ON THE FREEDOM… AND HERE COMES TROUBLE! 🚢🤣

Eventually, we made our way back to Royal Caribbean’s Freedom of the Seas.

And you’d think after a full day of sightseeing, bouncing around in a van, swimming in the ocean, and hanging out at a beach bar, we’d be ready to relax.

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Because Denise and I had some very important unfinished business.

OUR CASINO DRINK EXPERIMENT!

Now, if you’ve read my other blog about the infamous Painkiller, you already know that Denise and I decided it would be a brilliant idea to start at the beginning of the casino cocktail menu and try EVERY SINGLE DRINK!

Whether we liked the ingredients or not!

Because apparently, we think we’re conducting some sort of groundbreaking research for the National Institute of Alcoholic Beverages! 🍸🤣

And the bartenders already know exactly what we’re doing!

We’ve practically become their entertainment for the cruise!

Well, after Aruba, Denise and I head to the pool deck for a few drinks.

And I decide I’m going to surprise her.

There are THREE male bartenders standing there, ready to take our order.

Denise starts explaining our little cocktail experiment.

And I stand there, completely serious.

Straight face.

Not a smile.

Not a giggle.

Not even a twitch!

And when they ask what I’d like to drink, I look directly at them and say:

“I WANT THE PUSSY PAINKILLER!” 🍹🤣🤣🤣

Y’ALL!!!!

THESE THREE MEN ABSOLUTELY LOST IT!

They started laughing UNCONTROLLABLY!

Denise looked at me like she couldn’t believe what had just come out of my mouth!

And the best part?

I NEVER CRACKED A SMILE!

Not ONE!

I delivered that drink order like I was asking for a Diet Coke with extra ice!

I thought Denise was going to fall out right there on the pool deck!

Now, before anybody starts clutching their pearls, there is a WHOLE OTHER BLOG about this drink and how it ended up with that ridiculous nickname!

It involves Pusser’s Navy Rum, a little pronunciation confusion, some casino cocktails, and two grown women who apparently have the maturity level of seventh-grade boys! 🤣

You’ll have to read that one to understand!

But let’s just say…

Those three bartenders probably won’t forget that order anytime soon!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER CHRISTY ADVENTURE! 🇦🇼🥂

So there you have it!

Our wonderful day in Aruba!

We started with pineapple mimosas.

Got packed into a van like sardines.

Toured our driver’s entire family tree.

Nearly launched ourselves through the roof of the van.

Almost lost the back end of our transportation in the cactus-covered desert.

Listened to Charlie Brown’s teacher for two hours.

Learned that Denise is very concerned about the dolphin population.

Discovered that I was apparently overdressed for the Caribbean.

Found my own little slice of heaven at a beach bar.

And finished the day by making three grown bartenders laugh hysterically over a cocktail order!

ALL IN ONE DAY!

And people wonder why I love traveling so much!

Because here’s the thing…

You can plan the perfect vacation, book the perfect excursion, and have the most beautiful destination in the world.

But it’s usually the ridiculous, completely unexpected, absolutely hysterical moments that turn into the BEST MEMORIES!

Twenty years from now, I probably won’t remember every single stop we made on that island tour.

But I GUARANTEE I’ll remember Jessica, Dustin, and me bouncing around in the back of that van, wondering whether we were about to be deposited into the Aruba desert like three pieces of lost luggage! 🤣

And I’ll definitely remember those bartenders!

So here’s my travel advice for today:

Take the trip. Drink the mimosa. Laugh at the bumps. Enjoy the beach. Find your own happiness. And for heaven’s sake, if the back of the van starts scraping the road, HOLD ON TO YOUR POCKETBOOK AND YOUR NAKINS! 🤣🤣🤣

Life’s too short to be boring!

YOLO! CARPE DIEM! AND CHEERS FROM ARUBA! 🇦🇼🍍🥂🌴

Love,
Christy Unfiltered 💋

P.S. If anyone finds three tourists sitting in the back of a detached van somewhere in the Aruba desert, please send pineapple mimosas, a rescue vehicle, and somebody who doesn’t sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher! 🤣🌵🚐

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